Trying a short poem . . . hoping you can follow the meaning. . . . Pat

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Trying a short poem . . . hoping you can follow the meaning. . . . Pat

Post  Pat on Fri Mar 22, 2013 3:54 pm

Standing Under an Apple Tree



in September, a man

with an orange saw whacks off

a few low limbs. He imagines

great relief for the trunk

fluttering her green umbrellas

—open-ribbed and covering—

like mother-arms rainbowing

over circular dirt where she

spent weeks reaching

and reaching, trying

but failing to pick up

her own fruit.

Pat

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Pat I think the meaning is clear

Post  tsukany on Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:39 pm

and the poem is uncluttered (maybe you don't need "failing" since that is implied in the repetition preceding it). I would work over your line breaks though. I don't feel a strong reason for the lines yet.

You might think through the title since the poem appears more about the tree than the man. (Do you even need the man?)
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Taking Todd's advice, I'm editing:

Post  Pat on Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:39 am

Dennis and Dewell, would you respond to this version of the poem? Thank you. Still pretty raw, but hey, this is what we do. . . Pat

An Apple Tree



In September

I watched an orange saw

whack off

low limbs.

Great relief,

perhaps,

for the trunk

fluttering

her green umbrellas

—open-ribbed and covering—

like mother-arms

rainbowing

over circular dirt

where she’d

spent weeks

reaching and reaching,

trying

to pick up

her own fruit.

Pat

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What about?

Post  tsukany on Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:51 am

An Apple Tree

in September
fluttering green

umbrellas
-open-ribbed-

covering like mother's arms
rainbows over cultured dirt

where she’d been weeks
reaching and reaching

trying to gather
her own fruit
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couplets. . . . and you turned it upside down. . . .

Post  Pat on Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:30 am

I'm laughing!!!. . . . this is what we do to help each other. . . . just turn the poems upside down!! Hilarious. Love the thought. Will definitely look at this version.

A good news thing: I went back through and listed all the poems I've sent to Last Friday Group: 3 or them have now won awards! And 3 of them, I'm putting in a manuscript. Pretty good for 17 poems!!! This is a good idea! You guys have my permission to turn any of my poems upside down. . . after you edit, then I really dig in and see it anew and edit again. Then, I say, "Heavenly daze!!!!" : )

Thank you, Pat

Pat

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Kudos

Post  tsukany on Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:47 pm

Pat...maybe you need to tell us what contests you enter so we can save the postage on our REJECTION slips! Congrats and keep up the great writing.
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Contests I enter are usually state poetry groups. . . just a few

Post  Pat on Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:58 pm

compared to the number many poets enter:

Poets Roundtable of Arkansas: Poetry Day (October thing, but poems are due in Aug?)

NFSPS (Nationals): this one IS a big deal because your competition might be 200 poems! (March deadline)

Lucidity, of course.

Tennessee State Poetry (or is it called Mid-South?)

Ark Writers Conference: this one is not due until April 25.

I'm thinking Dennis Patton has won in Indiana.

There are others. . . . many others. All want unpublished, of course. Look in the Strophes Publication under NFSPS: deadlines, etc published there. What is going on in my life dictates if I throw in 3 poems or 10. I am not a lazy poet; I am lazy at marketing. I wear down with it. So, I've had to ask myself: where is my fun? why write anything? the fun is in the writing of the poem for me. And I write because I can't not write. I like playing with words, flowers, whatever I see or hear. I loved finding out I am not alone. : )

League of Minnesota Poets: I HAVE big respect for some of their judging of poems. I so like the poems they choose of every winner.

Many of the winners at Nationals' turn out to be from Utah. You see the same names over and over. They are tough: I've been told their critique groups can make you bleed or cry. The outcome is super poetry if you can handle what you hear from the group. : ) In their defense, they win a lot.

This may be all I know and a little more. : )

Where do you guys send your poems and get results? Contests? Markets? I'm interested.

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Pat's Apple Tree Poem

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Mar 28, 2013 3:46 pm

Pat & Todd... looks like you two have this poem well in hand... (BIRDS & BLOOMS would like it.)The idea of circular dirt left me cold even if it reffered to the drip line... I like cluttered much better... and the title is much better, manless. Also send this autumn poem to

The AUROREAN, Cynthia Brackett-Vincent, P.O. Box 187, Farmington, ME, 04938. Send it soon because they are working on their Fall/Winter issue. Cynthia has published many of my poems. Dewell

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Re: Trying a short poem . . . hoping you can follow the meaning. . . . Pat

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