What do you think needs to be fixed?

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What do you think needs to be fixed?

Post  tsukany on Wed Apr 24, 2013 7:18 am

Poem For Martin

We all want the world to be nice,
a place to gather with mom and sister,
hug dad after a four-hour race. We all

want to throw our hands in the air and yell
at the top of the lungs, sing an anthem
with a hand over our heart, wave flags,
hold up signs, scribbled marks intimate
as family dinner talk. We all

want to believe we are faster than the winners
and, so that is why it hurts to be shown all
is an illusion.

--Sukany 16 April 2013


Last edited by tsukany on Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:39 am; edited 1 time in total
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I like the repetition here. : ) Point made, but . . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:37 am

Todd, I got lost in the third line. . . . four hour race? to hug dad after his four-hour race? 2nd stanza, scribble just to stay parallel and make it easy on the reader? as intimate? Is dinner-talk a noun or adj and noun? How do you mean it? How do you want us to read it? I like that you italicized all: from the get-go, it has my attention; I know how to read it. I keep looking at winners wondering if blue ribbons or gold might work as well and add a color to your picture. That last stanza is telling, but I don't know yet how to making it showing. Hmmmm. I struggle with this all the time, and on my poems it shows up at the end usually. Maybe the facial expressions when the illusion is pointed out? Hard one.

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oops...I forgot a word

Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:40 am

Pat,

I repaired the omission from line three. Thanks...
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Wish that formatting were preserved

Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:50 am

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poem for martin-- edited version

Post  dennis20 on Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:29 am

Todd,  A lot of understanding would be better if we knew the (1)  the age of Martin (2) who is running the race (3) a clearer understanding of the "scribbled note" this may refer back to (1)  where age would help. It seems that the scribbled note doesn't fit with the race, anthem, flag waving, yelling.  These things could take place at the race, but I miss how the scribbled note would fit there.  I like the thought projected here--all being an illusion--I get it, but it seems a more personal poem that would not be one the general public would pick up and re-read because it fit into their lives.

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Would a change in title help?

Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:34 am

Poem for Martin Richard
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I'm thinking it is a personal poem as I read it

Post  Pat on Sat Apr 27, 2013 11:57 am

like Ted Kooser's Carrie or WCWilliams' This is Just to Say. A precious time in the lives of that family when they are rallying for a dad, the head of the family, when one or a few get caught up in all. Generalizing. Oh well, but it happens with us humans, esp in families. : ) Check 6th line: do your mean a collective hand over a collective heart? hmmm That's how I'm taking it. Good poem.

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Feedback for your poem

Post  robinaburrows on Sun Apr 28, 2013 9:06 pm

Personally, I don't have a clue who the Martin person is. I assume he is associated with the terrorist attack at the race in Boston? Perhaps make the title a sub-title and add a titke that hints that this isn't about just any race, but that particular race.

I liked the double meaning. Everything on the surface about a race and success and failure. But underneath, it was about patriotism and the harsh reality that the Boston race brought to the surface.

Maybe that's not what you intended. But those were my thoughts as I read the poem.

Robin

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Poem for Martin Richards

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:29 pm

Yes! The little boy killed at the Boston race (Elsa and I were there last October.) and the sceene flashed in my mind as I read the poem. The scribbled thing is the only thing that threw me off track... Oh, Yes, the possible collective hearts, too. This is a powerful poem... and sad, for me. Thanks for sharing it. Dewell

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