The Last Friday

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    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem. Anything will be helpful.

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem. Anything will be helpful.

    Post  Pat on Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:40 am

    Old Notes Made New



    Not long before the train roars down the track

    across the river from our house, I lie in bed

    and listen to old notes made new by a bird

    dressed in a red sports jacket like the lively

    evangelist who once spoke of a narrow road

    when I was a young girl. Like then, I do not

    raise questions. I do not reply.

    I stay mute and do not move.

    But I am not a limp listener.

    Within the new notes eons old

    lives a bold truth: it calls me back

    to a picture of light of which I am a ray.



    May the bird crack morning after morning—

    fall, winter, spring and summer—

    until the moon falls out of the sky.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    The Preachment

    Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:02 am

    Here's the preachment:

    Within the new notes eons old


    lives a bold truth: it calls me back

    to a picture of light of which I am a ray.

    If you clip that, you should merge the bird into the persona. I think you get close with the last stanza. what think ye?

    Dennis20
    Guest

    The preachdictment

    Post  Dennis20 on Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:38 am

    Pat,  I think Todd has hit the nail on the head.  You go into telling us here instead of showing.  The birds fold that back in to the thought.  It's kinda like you have cut yourself with the "eons..." and then the birds are a bandaid that covers the wound. 

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Yep, I think you guys are right. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:01 pm

    The good news: I can fix it. And I need you to keep an eye on my endings: I tend to add just a bit too much. thanks for the help, Pat

    robinaburrows

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2013-04-27
    Age : 36
    Location : Arkansas

    Feedback on your poem

    Post  robinaburrows on Sun Apr 28, 2013 9:11 pm

    Good poem. I don't think I have anything new to add to fix it.

    I like that it's the bird's song that moves the narrator of the poem.

    Robin

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat's Sermon... poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:14 pm

    I think the "fixers" have fixed it rather well. I can see the strut of that preacher of childhood days. Pat, the ending seems to step out of character and get preachey... can you change it back to the I of the poem and take away that hymnal tone?

    (When I was a Young Byrd I taught Sunday School to preteens. Gad, I do hope they learned more than I taught!) Dewell

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    Re: Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem. Anything will be helpful.

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