The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


4 posters

    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem. Anything will be helpful.

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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem.  Anything will be helpful.   Empty Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem. Anything will be helpful.

    Post  Pat Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:40 am

    Old Notes Made New



    Not long before the train roars down the track

    across the river from our house, I lie in bed

    and listen to old notes made new by a bird

    dressed in a red sports jacket like the lively

    evangelist who once spoke of a narrow road

    when I was a young girl. Like then, I do not

    raise questions. I do not reply.

    I stay mute and do not move.

    But I am not a limp listener.

    Within the new notes eons old

    lives a bold truth: it calls me back

    to a picture of light of which I am a ray.



    May the bird crack morning after morning—

    fall, winter, spring and summer—

    until the moon falls out of the sky.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem.  Anything will be helpful.   Empty The Preachment

    Post  tsukany Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:02 am

    Here's the preachment:

    Within the new notes eons old


    lives a bold truth: it calls me back

    to a picture of light of which I am a ray.

    If you clip that, you should merge the bird into the persona. I think you get close with the last stanza. what think ye?
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    Dennis20
    Guest


    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem.  Anything will be helpful.   Empty The preachdictment

    Post  Dennis20 Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:38 am

    Pat,  I think Todd has hit the nail on the head.  You go into telling us here instead of showing.  The birds fold that back in to the thought.  It's kinda like you have cut yourself with the "eons..." and then the birds are a bandaid that covers the wound. 
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem.  Anything will be helpful.   Empty Yep, I think you guys are right. . . .

    Post  Pat Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:01 pm

    The good news: I can fix it. And I need you to keep an eye on my endings: I tend to add just a bit too much. thanks for the help, Pat
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    robinaburrows


    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2013-04-27
    Age : 42
    Location : Arkansas

    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem.  Anything will be helpful.   Empty Feedback on your poem

    Post  robinaburrows Sun Apr 28, 2013 9:11 pm

    Good poem. I don't think I have anything new to add to fix it.

    I like that it's the bird's song that moves the narrator of the poem.

    Robin
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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem.  Anything will be helpful.   Empty Pat's Sermon... poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:14 pm

    I think the "fixers" have fixed it rather well. I can see the strut of that preacher of childhood days. Pat, the ending seems to step out of character and get preachey... can you change it back to the I of the poem and take away that hymnal tone?

    (When I was a Young Byrd I taught Sunday School to preteens. Gad, I do hope they learned more than I taught!) Dewell

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    Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem.  Anything will be helpful.   Empty Re: Trying to get the preachy and moralizing out of the poem. Anything will be helpful.

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