The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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A little late posting

renee.barger
renee.barger


Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-09-17

A little late posting Empty A little late posting

Post  renee.barger Sun Jun 30, 2019 6:01 pm

Hope it's ok I'm posting late. My husband and I had a "stay-cation" this past week while our son stayed at his aunt's and then grandparents' houses. 

[title not included - it's a character name for a book my twin and I started when we were little.]

She is imprisoned in a cell that isn’t locked.


I hold open the door for her,
but she cowers away into the shadows.


The land rises up like the ocean,
carrying me kilometers away.


My eagle eyes can still see is into that cell.
The jailer has her wrapped up in his arms.


My cries echo throughout the valley.
Surely she heard them.


A weak voice ricochets in the thick silence,
“Help.”

Maybe this time, she’ll walk through the door.
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Pat


Posts : 1162
Join date : 2011-09-12

A little late posting Empty no title poem

Post  Pat Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:22 pm

Okay.  I'm playing with your poem.  I like the couplets.  It lets the poem breathe.  

Rene, this is a deep poem.  I'm thinking it is an abuse poem.  Millions of people would identify with it.  

I want her to walk out too.  But she is not ready.  She needs a trusting friend to love and help her by just sticking beside her.  She cannot be pushed to grow healthy fast. Like buddies in Desert Storm, they just need to stick together, trusting each other. It's a process. Eventually, they'll walk out together. Both parts are sort of in jail, but one part watches and remembers, the other part is terrified. So the watcher has to make sense of what she sees, call it "her reality, no matter what anyone else says", and be determined to love / care about the one held by the jailer.  Very deep poem.  Very universal poem.  Short but powerful.  I am impressed with how you got so much into this short poem!  

Hey, if I'm totally off base, it won't be the first time.  You know what you are trying to say.  Trust yourself.  Fine poem.

Imprisoned in a Cell Not Locked (Could this become the title?)

I hold open the door for her.
She cowers into the shadows.

The land rises up like the ocean,
carrying me a long distance away.  (kilometers:  not very poetic to me, sort of scientific.)

She grows tiny, but my eagle eyes watch her. (This is how she coped: minimizing what happens -- a way to numb up; one part watches )
The jailer has her wrapped up in his arms. (So she is abused? This line makes the poem make sense.  Total sense.)  I'd stay with present tense: The jailer wraps her up in his arms.

My cries echo throughout the valley.
Surely she hears.  (changed the heard)

A weak voice ricochets in the thick silence,
“Help.”

Maybe this time, she’ll walk through the door.
(Powerful thought.  Healthy thought.  What if you ended with:  I will not leave her. One day/ she will walk out the door.)
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Pat


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A little late posting Empty When you post late, post anyway....

Post  Pat Mon Jul 01, 2019 9:23 am

We are all living life as fully as we can, and that makes us late or super early sometimes.  
I'm just wanting you to keep posting.
Pat
renee.barger
renee.barger


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A little late posting Empty Adding another image at the end

Post  renee.barger Mon Jul 01, 2019 6:59 pm

Hi, Pat! Thank you for the encouragement to just post even if I'm late. Smile Getting your feedback made my day, but it took until my husband to get back to watch our son for me to get it out on digital paper. I LOVED your suggestions. How does this work?

P.S. I had originally written this as a journal/prose entry. Then I realized how easy it would be to convert it into a poem. I don't know why I didn't include the running back to the cell to help.



Imprisoned in a Cell Not Locked


I hold open the door for her,
but she cowers away into the shadows.


The land rises up like the ocean,
carrying me a long distance away.


She grows tiny, but my eagle eyes watch her.
The jailer wraps her up in his arms.


My cries echo throughout the valley.
Surely she hears.


A weak voice ricochets in the thick silence,
“Help.”


I run over sand dunes and toward the voice.
Maybe this time, she’ll walk through the door.


Last edited by renee.barger on Mon Jul 01, 2019 7:18 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Removing accidental line break)
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Pat


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A little late posting Empty Journal entry becomes a poem.

Post  Pat Mon Jul 01, 2019 8:29 pm

I like it.  Sand dunes, yes!  Toward the voice, yes.
Nice closure.

I think you have yourself a poem here, Rene.

Pat
renee.barger
renee.barger


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A little late posting Empty Thank you!

Post  renee.barger Mon Jul 01, 2019 8:38 pm

That makes me smile so much. Thank you!

I guess my next question is what do I do with this poem now? I've only just filed poems away when I was either done or discouraged.
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Pat


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A little late posting Empty What do I do with the poem? :)

Post  Pat Mon Jul 01, 2019 9:36 pm

Good one. 
I usually sit with it for a month.  Sometimes I edit it a bit more. Sometimes I just try to see deeper.
You can publish a poem.  Some poets save them for contests.  If you publish, be a little picky.  You have to match the poem to the journal. It's a marketing world.  You can save them and self-publish a book.  So many options!  
When I haven't read a poem in a while (like months), I am sometimes amazed I wrote it;  I sometimes see it needs more weeding, etc.
Rene, I put out a chapbook in 2007, and that was my first.  It was a big deal to me at the time.  It had my blood and guts in it.  Yep, you can read and hold your blood and guts.  It's something to share that with other human beings.
Think about your ultimate goal.  It may change in a few months.  I write to help others see another way, sometimes a little deeper.  I write to share with others. I think when I started, I wrote so my adult children would have a better idea of who their mother is.

Keep all poems in a File.  Todd is smarter about this than I am.  I call my file:  My Poetry File. It's under Documents.  There probably a better way.

Back up your poems.  Maybe a flash drive. Talk to Todd about what is smart. (I still feel dumb in this high tech world. Smile  )  Just surviving with a friend helping from time to time.

You will figure it out.  

Read, critique, be critiqued, check out small presses. Mags and journals want good material. Libraries have Writers Market.  It's HUGE and overwhelms me but has Many options.  

I read other poets, then see where they published what poems.  Seems easier to me.  

Just read and feel your way around.  Talk with poets you know. (I did not know a soul until I went to poetry meetings in Mountain Home, then Lucidity in Eureka Springs, then Poets Roundtable of Arkansas.  Finally I went to National Conference in OK.  Wow!  My eyes were opened.  So many options, so many poets.  

I fell in love with Jane Kenyon's poetry.  Very much from a female's point of view.  Then Ted Kooser's poetry taught me much about how to get rid of extra words.  Kenyon was dead.  It didn't matter.  Her poetry was very much alive.  Kooser lived in another state.  It didn't matter.  I could buy his work and that's how he became my teacher.

Both are contemporary poets. 

When you find a poet to model after, one you respect and admire, then read his or her work.  I read Gerald Stern for a year:  the power of repetition.  Many men like Billy Collins' poetry.  Me too.  He is down to earth and humble about it.  So many good poets to choose from.  

Oh, I read 3 or 4 anthologies (over the period of a couple of years) and found the type of poetry I loved.  Might start with Good Poetry by Keiller or Billy Collins book:  180 Days or something like that.  Both offer variety.

This is too much to take in, but you get the idea.  

Thanks for asking. It has been a fine journey for me.

Pat
renee.barger
renee.barger


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A little late posting Empty Wonderful information

Post  renee.barger Tue Jul 02, 2019 12:35 pm

I love reading about your reason to write. I think it's wonderful that at first you wrote for your kids, and I think your purpose now to give a deeper or different perspective on something is wonderful.

Thank you for all of that information. It is incredibly helpful.  For starters, I will start reading more poetry, which I do very little of right now. I have friends who are writers but not many poets. I guess I haven't really seen myself as a poet either. I mostly just write poetry when an image is so vivid for me that I need to get it out. Usually, it comes with intense pain or heartache or wonder - some sort of strong emotion. I have only written them for myself or for the person I wish I could share it with. (Like the person in the jail. I ended up showing it to her, since she has finally split away from that relationship.) 

I will look at that book Good Poetry you shared. After learning more about CS Lewis & JRR Tolkien recently, I want to get Joy Davidman's book of poetry and also A Spring Harvest by Geoffrey Bache Smith. Also, could I get the name of your first chapbook? I would love to read it. 

Do you have any suggestions for good poetry magazines to start reading? I haven't heard of any, except when Mr. Todd Sukany shares on Facebook that he has published a poem.

Thank you so much. I know I've only been involved in the forum the last few months, but it has been such a breath of fresh air getting to discuss poetry here. Thank you for including me and teaching me so much.
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Pat


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A little late posting Empty Missouri Spare Mule

Post  Pat Tue Jul 02, 2019 2:40 pm

might publish a poem by you:  talk to Todd.
Grist is out of Mo.

Poets and Writers : that gives ideas.  Most libraries have a copy.  Options inside of it.

I think I'd start with Good Poems, maybe the BLUE covered one.  It's my favorite.

Don't overwhelm yourself.  Maybe one of the authors you mentioned, Rene.  You already know your taste in poetry.  If not, it will come to you quickly.

Love hearing about the giving of the poem to the one in jail. 

Choose a poet and read.  Just one poet at a time, for me. I read slowly, probably because I'm taking the poems apart!  To get my feet wet, I started with Jane Kenyon.  I could not put the book down.  (That's a good sign that she'll become your teacher.)

Rene, Just begin anywhere.  I hereby dub you, "Poet".  Now, just get on with it.

You don't have to wait for the big emotion to write a poem, not if you read.  Reading will trigger something in your own life.  Then you are off!!!
Linda Pastan is another favorite of mine.  May Sarton, Charles Simic, too.

You might want to join a group where a new poem comes to your computer daily.  Interesting.  Now and then, a wonderful poem pops up.  I like Poetry Breakfast.  Sign up for it.  (web or FB) Also, I follow Trish Hopkinson off and on.  Sign up for stuff.  Free resources. 

If you have Kindle, maybe you can look there for the poet's name and see books.  

My first chapbook was Blind Curves.  I am in the midst of reworking it.  I have 3 books left.  Smile  Lights and Shadows in a Nursing Home was next,  then Push Mountain Road (the area where I live,) and finally Women, Resilient Women.  Those 3 are on amazon.  Blind Curves was published by Pudding House Publications which went defunct when the editor died.  Sounds like a lot, but I worked writing around my family.  I do not give up family to write.  Lots of juggling.  I did not start until I was in my fifties.  If I can do it, you can too.  It is not beyond you.

Just say to yourself 50 x p d:  I am a poet, I am a poet, I'm already a poet.... and it will eventually move from  your head to your heart/gut.  Then you'll know it in a new way.  

I'm addicted to poetry.  I cannot imagine life without it.  

Read and play with words/lines....

Pat
tsukany
tsukany


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Post  tsukany Sun Jul 07, 2019 7:48 pm

Renee and Pat

I've been out of state.  Sorry.  

I am glad you share poems, anytime!!!

Renee, I don't know the book or the location of this poem in it.  The jailer throws me.  I am sure there is a context but as a reader I don't know it.  What if that detail starts the poem?

The jailer wraps her up in his arms
but at the other side of the room, I open a door.


Pat has given you GREAT advice on reading.  You can BORROW books from the library (inter-library loan).  Most libraries LOVE it.  the Keillor book is probably one you will want to purchase.


I like reading small books by famous poets.  anthologies tend to print the poet's best and that can be discouraging.  Tappmeyer once said if he finds a couple poems in a book, it was worth the purchase.


I like to save all my poems in folders (Spr 19, Sum 19, Fall 19) on Google Drive.  They are always saved and always archived.  I keep all revisions too.  I start with the original thought and then put the newest version at the top of a new page (that way I only see the best version but can see all versions)


Bless you and don't stop writing
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Pat


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A little late posting Empty Glad to have you back, Todd.

Post  Pat Sun Jul 07, 2019 10:46 pm

Renee, I knew he'd have good stuff for you.  

Write on!
renee.barger
renee.barger


Posts : 218
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A little late posting Empty Thank you!

Post  renee.barger Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:14 pm

Thank you for the additional feedback, Sukany! I was nervous/excited to see what you'd say. I'm letting the poem set, but I'll get back to it. 

Good idea on the library - that way I could see what I really like and then can buy my favorites. Smile  

I remembered how you kept the newest versions on top from English Comp 1. I've done that, but I haven't known how to organize my folders. I like how you did it. Thank you. Smile

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