Trying to lay a scene before you. . .

Looks like a great first draft. Just a little cleaning, and you have accomplished the task.

don

I would revise to add the tone you want to offer to the reader of these two poems.

Poem One

All day at home 
alone under cloud cover.
From a window, I watch 
and because of a mute darkness in me, 
I am drawn toward a brooding cloud hunching over 
the leafy maple floating 
between the apple trees and me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

In My Neighbor’s Yard

two deer dancing on back legs 
feed with upstretched necks on Granny Smiths. 

Soon, a fawn and doe walk up 
the narrow path from the river

pause 

until someone in the distance drops 
a galvanized pail, breaking the frail spell,

sending sixteen delicate legs to scatter
together toward the steep, green woods.

to break it into two short poems.     I especially like what you did with format.  Thank you.  Very helpful to get other people's eyes on my words.  I am stunned initially, then grateful. Thank you!    Pat

Pat,  I,too, saw two poems mostly because you didnot develop the MOOD described early on in this poem.  Deer, apples, river, startle all come later in the piece.  I especially like your sceene of stretched necks also sixteen legs.  I think I would use Todd's two poem approach but I would put them on the same page.  They seem to carry me one into the other.  Dewell