Hello Poets,
I am a novice. I am working on ELDERLY LIZETTE for one of the NFSPS 2015 contests. I know, I know. Too ambitious. But here I am, all the same.
Submission guidelines for this contest:
Subject: Domestic Cats, their endearing habits, intelligence, loyalty, beauty, etc.
Any form, 40 line limit
I expect not all of you are fond of housecats. But! That might make your critique particularly valuable. The 2nd stanza is bothering me. It seems a little clunky. I am also worried about the stanzas with the 3-2-1 and 1-2-3 progression. This material is from specific memories. I'm afraid I'm assuming clarity that only exists in my mind. I'm not sure whether to be conventional and capitalize at the beginning of each line, or capitalize as in prose. I'm also not completely thrilled with my punctuation.
Can you offer help with these and any other problems I don't know I have?
ELDERLY LIZETTE
Elderly Lizette rejects the cushion.
She seeks out the paper carton, folding
Neat her brittle bones, an origami.
She disdains the cozy padded armchair,
Floats up to the bathroom counter lightly,
Takes a colder comfort from the sink.
She ignores the water bowl, prefers to
Drink with flower pots, insinuates her
Tongue into the dishes underneath them.
Elderly Lizette selects, arranges
Three then two then one more kibbled morsel
On the woven mat for observation.
One then two then three, she eats them, has no
Need of more. This will suffice. She settles
Gingerly for morning meditation.
Elderly Lizette, her head a flower
Drooping on its stem, dreams not. Instead she
Gazes on her two white paws' perfection.
Frail and sinuous, she stalks the kitchen,
Cares not for the proffered cheese, ignores the
Spider, pays no heed to conversation.
She does not attend the squirrel's antics
Or the sparrow at the window, seeks the
Ancient man, abides a while beside him.
Elderly Lizette, a wispy shadow,
Delicately curls, an angled circle,
In the mottled antique bowl and dozes.
Eight lives long, her silent movie flickers
On her eyelid screen. She is content, and
Purrs, her multicolored kittens nursing.
Karen Hayes
I am a novice. I am working on ELDERLY LIZETTE for one of the NFSPS 2015 contests. I know, I know. Too ambitious. But here I am, all the same.
Submission guidelines for this contest:
Subject: Domestic Cats, their endearing habits, intelligence, loyalty, beauty, etc.
Any form, 40 line limit
I expect not all of you are fond of housecats. But! That might make your critique particularly valuable. The 2nd stanza is bothering me. It seems a little clunky. I am also worried about the stanzas with the 3-2-1 and 1-2-3 progression. This material is from specific memories. I'm afraid I'm assuming clarity that only exists in my mind. I'm not sure whether to be conventional and capitalize at the beginning of each line, or capitalize as in prose. I'm also not completely thrilled with my punctuation.
Can you offer help with these and any other problems I don't know I have?
ELDERLY LIZETTE
Elderly Lizette rejects the cushion.
She seeks out the paper carton, folding
Neat her brittle bones, an origami.
She disdains the cozy padded armchair,
Floats up to the bathroom counter lightly,
Takes a colder comfort from the sink.
She ignores the water bowl, prefers to
Drink with flower pots, insinuates her
Tongue into the dishes underneath them.
Elderly Lizette selects, arranges
Three then two then one more kibbled morsel
On the woven mat for observation.
One then two then three, she eats them, has no
Need of more. This will suffice. She settles
Gingerly for morning meditation.
Elderly Lizette, her head a flower
Drooping on its stem, dreams not. Instead she
Gazes on her two white paws' perfection.
Frail and sinuous, she stalks the kitchen,
Cares not for the proffered cheese, ignores the
Spider, pays no heed to conversation.
She does not attend the squirrel's antics
Or the sparrow at the window, seeks the
Ancient man, abides a while beside him.
Elderly Lizette, a wispy shadow,
Delicately curls, an angled circle,
In the mottled antique bowl and dozes.
Eight lives long, her silent movie flickers
On her eyelid screen. She is content, and
Purrs, her multicolored kittens nursing.
Karen Hayes