PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

Having trouble with ... Five suns have brought him forth
and the three lines that follow.  It seems to get too objective
and loses the theme of the newborn.  HELP!

PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

Sagebrush surrenders its dew
To dawn's vapor.
Rising Wyoming wind hurries,
Tumbles down from the Rockies.

Gray-green silence yields to
Pronghorn munch.  Tiny
Hoofs prance circles around
Mother impatient to fly.

Bullet-like on spring loaded
Legs he speeds away straight
As a die, stops abruptly, sniffs
A Painted Lady, whirls around,

Returns to mother at top speed,
Bunts; 1,2,3 until milk flows free.
Five suns have brought him forth
To the top of this world where

Freedom beckons and life calls
Him to challenge the wind.
Like an arrow he speeds away,
Disappears into a draw.

He shows nubbins and eyes above
The grass, hesitates, spies the herd,
Ducks down again, plays peek-a-boo,
Tests permanence of his domain.

   -Dewell H. Byrd

Five suns have brought him forth
To the top of this world where

You might consider;
Liberty stirs his soul
and he longs to ride the wind.

Just a suggestion.

Dewell, you've painted the picture I want here.  Pronghorn munch ... straight as a die ... bunts; 1, 2, 3.  Good stuff.  Five suns nails down how fresh he is.  Edge of freedom?  The wind calls instead of life calls? 

This one is really close.

Dewell, it sounds like it's all blooming and moving like life does.  The lines you mentioned:  I guess it's a challenge or liberty (as Don suggested.)  Which do you want us to focus on?  Both are present in a bird's life.  Hoofs:  I don't think I've ever encountered that word with birds.  Interesting.  Fourth lines of S 1 and 5 and 6,  I'd think it more present if you used:  Tumbling and Disappearing and Testing.  I stumbled over permanence.  I wonder if there's another word to capture it.  I like the painting here, the story.  I love the five suns.  We know his age. 
Good work.

Dewell

I had to read this several times.  There's so much happening.  

I would look for ways of compression.  Is the poem about the setting or the pronghorn?  The mother or the offspring?

Does the title work for each stanza?  The "five suns" is five days?  The speaker followed the boy for five days?  

There's a pronoun shift when the newborn goes for a run.  I got lost there.

Maybe you could try a paraphrase or short summary of what you want the poem to do and see what in this version needs to be compressed.

It seems like the title could hold much of the information/setup of the first couple stanzas.

Love to see this one's revision.

Todd

Dewell,  I like the view, smell, flora, and fauna.  I opt to forgo the first stanza.  It seems to cloud the poem. "Prairie Child Blooming" suggest animal, but the poem opens with flora then goes into animal life.  That first stanza might fit later, but I would like to see it open with the title in the drivers seat.  Else, change the title might be an option. I like the out in the wild setting for this one.  Would have to believe the writer had knowledge of country life. This might be one that could make two poems--one with animal and one with plant.  Keep thinking.  D

Some good ideas, Guys.  So I'm rewriting this poem starting with the young pronghorn antelope sniffing the wind... Just jumping right into action and letting the surroundings creep in if and where needed.  I think I've got a winner here thanks to your help even though sometimes I resent the abrupt way you tear into my sacred draft... Normal reaction?  Dewell