The Last Friday

Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.
The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


3 posters

    Sorry, I'm late

    renee.barger
    renee.barger


    Posts : 218
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Sorry, I'm late Empty Sorry, I'm late

    Post  renee.barger Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:47 pm

    I confessed on Pat's entry that I haven't written since quartine started. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things and kiss depression goodbye. So, I decided to share an old poem that still feels relevant to me, and I would like to polish it. Any help would be appreciated.

    She Is Worth It.


    She wanted to make a home
    with someone, 
    for someone.
    But he left before 
    she bought the fuzzy living room rug.


    Every piece she personalizes,
    Every area she organizes,
    Everything she customizes
    is now for her.


    _____________________
    Renee V. Barger
    Dedicated to my identical twin

    November 24, 2019
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 927
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Sorry, I'm late Empty This has been a month

    Post  tsukany Tue Jul 07, 2020 10:59 am

    Renee

    I have been on a work overload for weeks now.  Sorry.

    I took this poem to be a woman who was jilted by her husband.  I was a bit confused by the "to my sister" at the end.

    Here's how I read the poem:

    She Is Worth It.

    But he left before she bought
    the fuzzy livingroom rug.

    Every piece she personalized.
    Every area she organized.
    Everything she customized
    is now for her.

    She wanted to make a home
    with someone,
    for someone.

    renee.barger likes this post

    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1167
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Sorry, I'm late Empty Thank you, Renee, for sharing.

    Post  Pat Tue Jul 07, 2020 8:23 pm

    Here's how I read it:  
    A dreamy-eyed girl knew what she wanted.  A home with someone. So in her head, she was thinking about how she'd decorate the house.
    The guy left, so she no longer created for him.  She fixed the house the way she wanted it.  

    I like the use of repetition.  
    I also like how Todd rearranged it because his version introduces the "he" at the beginning and closes with "someone". The middle one is about the girl's work. 
    Todd kept the entire poem in past tense...

    At the end, the yearning is still there.

    I think the title is stronger if you have the 1st line starting with But....

    Hey, you have another poem! Hooray!

    renee.barger likes this post

    renee.barger
    renee.barger


    Posts : 218
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Sorry, I'm late Empty Re: Sorry, I'm late

    Post  renee.barger Tue Jul 07, 2020 10:58 pm

    Wow, such small changes made all the differences! I love it now. Thank you both so much. The past tense and rearranging really helped. I knew something was off, but I couldn’t figure out what. Moving the first three lines to the end really helped. Thank you so much.

    Sponsored content


    Sorry, I'm late Empty Re: Sorry, I'm late

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Sat Apr 27, 2024 3:32 pm