Washing the Truck

I know it's too long.  I could chop off the last stanza? Maybe eliminate pizza stanza?  Trying this format because I want it to not be tight and controlled. Help however you can. Thanks.

Washing the Truck
 
Hot day at the car wash,
but it was as if
ice
 
covered the narrow step
as he ascended
into the cab of the truck.
 
Suddenly, he found himself
on his back
with a view of sky.
He smelled
a bubblegum scent.
 
No people anywhere—
around, beside, nearby.
On the highway
vehicles whished by
as if they wished to vanish.
 
A pizza place,
across the street,
ignored everything
without pepperoni.
 
Overhead--
white, quiet clouds.
 
The man took a deep breath,
rolled over, got up
like a camel with bad knees.
 
A bloody gash on head,
towel, phone call,
then he washed his truck
as if he’d heard someone
in his far-off past
saying something
about his chore.

Pat

I like it.  I wonder if you can end the poem with the clouds stanza.  Bring in a reference to bubblegum or cotton candy to leave us wondering about the condition of the man (and thus all of us).

My favorite stanza is the pizza stanza.  I think it shows that people are very narrow in thinking of others.  Well done.

Revisions:  Maybe you can look at ending a couple stanzas like the first (bu using a single word as a last line).

Suddenly, he found himself
on his back
with a view of sky.  (maybe think through this line)
He smelled
bubblegum.  (seems like scent is redundant if he smelled)

Well done and good fun, Pat

Todd

Jimmy has a boo-boo on his head, but he's a good sport and nothing was broken.

Our Mtn Home Free Verse group met Saturday.  Soooo ready for that.  I need the critique and connection with poets. 


Here's how this poem is going. Definitely happier with it.  Thank you!  (The bubblegum scent is what they use at car washes in the soap. Did you get that?  Or did you think bubblegum on pavement? Not that it matters a lot.)

Washing the Truck
 
Hot day at the car wash,
but it was as if
ice
 
covered the narrow step
as he ascended
into the truck.
 
Suddenly, he found himself
on his back
looking at sky,
aware of a bubblegum
scent.
 
No people in sight—
around, beside, nearby.
On the highway
vehicles whished by
as if they wished to
vanish.
 
A pizza place,
right across the street,
ignored everything
without pepperoni.
 
Overhead,
white, quiet clouds.

Pat

I note a redundancy in S1 . . . perhaps another title or synonym for "truck"

Washing the Truck
 
Hot day at the car wash,
but it was as if
ice
 
covered the narrow step
as he ascended
into the truck. (synonym)
 
Suddenly, he found himself
on his back
looking at sky,
aware of a bubblegum (I still like smell of bubblegum . . . the scent of bubblegum seems to much like prose)
scent.
 
No people in sight—
around, beside, nearby.
On the highway
vehicles whished by (prepositions are not my favorite end words)
as if they wished to
vanish.
 
A pizza place, (maybe THE pizza place (like everyone knows it))
right across the street,
ignored everything
without pepperoni.
 
Overhead,
white, quiet clouds.  (You could see what reversing these two lines does . . . then you'd return to the single-word-last-line theme)

Great thoughts!  
Thank you!

Prepositions ARE a problem at end lines. I don't like them either.  It's location, location, location. Happier with closing line.  

As He Stepped Up
 
Hot day at the car wash,
but it was as if
ice
 
covered the running board
as he stepped up
into the truck.
 
Suddenly, he found himself
on his back
looking at sky,
awake to the smell of
bubblegum.
 
No people in sight—
around, beside, nearby.
On the highway
vehicles
whished by as if
they wished
to vanish.
 
The pizza place
across the street
ignored everything
without pepperoni.
 
White, quiet clouds
overhead.

I really like where you've taken this poem, and I like the format you chose.

I noticed you changed the title. It still feels redundant to me, but maybe that's ok? It's focusing on him stepping up and what happens when next.... curious as to what Sukany thought. I don't have an issue with it. Was just thinking "out loud."

I like where you ended the poem, but I also kinda miss the detail that he finished the truck even with the head injury. I felt like I knew what generation he came from because of that detail. The generation that picks themselves back up and finishes the job.

I hope that is helpful feedback. I really enjoyed your poem.

You just gave me more to chew on.  
Yes, he is of the older generation.
Thank you!  Comment any time. I love hearing your thoughts.

There for One Another
 
Hot day at the car wash,
but it was as if
ice
 
covered the running board
as he stepped up
into the truck.
 
BAM!
and he found himself
on his back,
not able to get words out
looking up at sky
aware of a smell—
bubblegum.
 
No people to help him—
around, beside, nearby.
On the highway
vehicles
whish-whisk
as if they wished to
vanish.
 
The pizza place
across the street
ignored everything
without pepperoni.
 
Bloody,
he said nothing.
Life continues....


(Am I becoming jaded?)  Really!?

I have read the new version two different times, but I think I need to step back for a bit. I can't get my brain to think...

Thank you!

I just reread your last version, and yes, I like it. I wanted "fresh eyes" on it, and it works for me. I don't feel like I'm missing anything from the original poem, and it flows well. I liked the "whish" "whisk" "whish" words. I like that "ice" and "bloody" are on their own lines. (Bloody makes me think of the saying in Britain if you're ok with that.) I like it! Nicely done!