Her Children Took Her Car Keys Away

I don't usually write rhyme, but this poem just turned out this way.

    Children Took Her Car Keys Away
 
Never has she run over anyone, never killed
a living soul. As a driver, she’s careful, skilled.
 
A slim, friendly woman, elegant in her dress
and manner—no more, no less.
 
She knows nothing of wrecks or tickets—
in her, only carefulness and love snippets.
 
Sure, her handbag is like an army knapsack—
but in caring and perception, there’s no lack.
 
When extroverting, she’s a sunny ray—
more stunning than any rosy bouquet.
 
Today, she’s checking for signs of spring
and admits friend-time is her favorite thing.
 
That’s what adds rhythm and dance to her bones—
as basic to her as earth to stones.
 
If guilty of anything, she’s lived to become old—
innocent of everything else, I’m told.
 
Introverts, she once said, see the clues
and mutely figure out what’s true.
 
Not me—I must moan and talk to God and trees.
Not really free to be me, not without car keys.

Pat

I like the poem.  I suggest you read it aloud several times (at least once into your phone) and hear it.  I think there are lines that don't scan nicely (L1: Never has she run anyone over and L8: but in caring and perception, there IS no lack).


It might be nice to make this line (as basic to her as earth to stones) refer to driving somehow.  I had forgotten the title until the ending of the poem).


Really fun poem . . . contest poem?


Todd

It was fun to work on.  A friend of mine told me the story about her neighbor-friend. She is sympathetic with the woman, of course.

With your help, here's what I did.  Thank you!!  Maybe a contest poem, but not Lucidity.  (Already sent those in.)

Also, congratulations on your new book!   Lots of work. Proud for you.  

    Children Took Her Car Keys Away
 
Never has she run anyone over, never killed
a living soul. As a driver, she’s careful, skilled.
 
A slim, friendly woman, elegant in her dress
and manner—no more, no less.
 
She knows nothing of wrecks or tickets—
in her, only caring love-snippets.
 
Sure, her handbag is like an army knapsack—
but in caring and perception, there is no lack.
 
When extroverting, she’s a sunny ray—
more stunning than any rosy bouquet.
 
Today, she’s checking for signs of spring
and admits friend-time is her favorite thing—
 
that’s what adds rhythm and dance to her stride.
Though she needs to talk, there’s nothing to hide.
 
If guilty of anything, she’s lived to be old.
Innocent of everything else, I’m told.
 
Introverts, she once said, see the clues
and mutely figure out what’s true.
 
Not me—I must moan and talk to God and trees.

Not free to be me, not without car keys.

but my brain is tired.  So I'll look again tomorrow.  Not sure I referred back to title.
Thank you for your good thoughts.

Pat

better than it was!  Thank you for help.

    Children Took Her Car Keys Away
 
Never has she run anyone over, never killed
a living soul. As a driver, she’s careful, skilled.
 
A slim, friendly woman, elegant in her dress
and manner—no more, no less.
 
She knows nothing of wrecks or tickets—
in her, only caring love-snippets.
 
Sure, her handbag is like an army knapsack—
but in caring and perception, there is no lack.
 
When extroverting, she’s a sunny ray—
more stunning than any rosy bouquet.
 
Today, she’s checking for signs of spring
and admits friend-time is her favorite thing—
 
that’s what adds rhythm and dance to her stride.
Her children took away her ride and pride.
 
If guilty of anything, it’s living to be old.
Innocent of everything else, I’m told.
 
Introverts, she once said, see the clues
and mutely figure out what’s true.
 
Lucky them. I must talk to God and trees.
Not free to be me, not without car keys.

Do you think couplet 7 works? 




    Children Took Her Car Keys Away
 
Never has she run anyone over, never killed
a living soul. As a driver, she’s careful, skilled.
 
A slim, friendly woman, elegant in her dress
and manner—no more, no less.
 
She knows nothing of wrecks or tickets—
in her, only caring love-snippets.
 
Sure, her handbag is like an army knapsack—
but in caring and perception, there is no lack.
 
When extroverting, she’s a sunny ray—
more stunning than any rosy bouquet.
 
Today, she’s checking for signs of spring
and admits friend-time is her favorite thing—
 
that’s what adds rhythm and dance to her stride.
However, children took her ride and pride.
 
If guilty of anything, it’s living to be old.
Innocent of everything else, I’m told.
 
Introverts, she once said, see the clues
and mutely figure out what’s true.
 
Lucky them. I must talk to God and trees.
Not free to be me, not without car keys.

Pat

I think this is strong.  I have two places that still stop me:  1) S2 doesn't scan easily  2) friend-time   I wonder if you can just make it one word?

Maybe the comma of the last line can become ellipses/ellipsis?  I think you will read it "correctly" but might be easier for a reader.

I LOVE S7.  It is what I needed to keep me on title-track, and it offers comic relief.  Well done.

Bless you all

Todd

I think I may need 10 syllables in every line.  When I wrote S 2, I was not aware of that.  Okay, got it, I'll fix both of those issues.  

I curtsy to you.  Thanks,
Pat