The Last Friday

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    Help me carve off the prose

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    dennis20
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    Help me carve off the prose

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Jun 29, 2013 9:48 am

    I want this to be effective but not so much story.  Where can I cut and still show the picture?
     
    Cherokee: To New Lands

     

    Feather-of-the-dawn rose quickly

    from the leaves, picked up her baby,

    stumbled on before the guard spoke.

     

    A weary mind could hardly imagine

    many more miles.  Seven hundred

    they had walked and  more months

    than she could remember since leaving

    home along the creek.

     

    The great river lay far behind

    as they walked weary mile after mile

    toward “the territory” white man gave them.

    She must believe it would be a better place,

     

    that it would have rivers with fish,

    that it would have deer for hunters,

    and room for Walking Feather,

    a grandson of a Cherokee chief,

     

    to grow strong, to learn white ways—

    to survive.  She must get him there.

    Four summers now, he seldom cries.

    He grows like corn in the sunlight.

     

    Soon the column will stop for the day

    and she can get her ration of corn

    and water—no milk for Walking Feather—

    he can have some of her ration

    so he will stay strong.  He mustn’t die,

     

    not like Bowing Willow’s son, and

    Morning Dove’s son, and Chinna’s son,

    and twins of Palia who also grows pale

    and travels on a travois.

     

    Joy!  Word has come.  In two days

    they will reach this land called “territory”.

    Soldiers say it is green unlike here.

    Feather-of-the-dawn can’t believe

    it can change from dry barren land

    they have passed through, but she must.

     

    Her prayers tonight of thanksgiving

    rise on wings as evening birds

    sing whip-poor-will to the moon.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    CARVING OUT THE PROSE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jun 29, 2013 4:52 pm

    WOW!  Great story... TRAIL OF TEARS... Dennis, the story becomes a poem here when you focus on mother, child, journey and save terrain and other people for some other poem...as if I knew what I was talking about... your use of descriptors touchs me and I hear the drums of dusty feet...  I am bothered by the several shifts of person.  Take another look at element, please.  My visit to PEA RIDGE on the Trail burned a "forever" image for me.  Hang in there with this piece.  It has great potential.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I have HACKED in and cut much

    Post  tsukany on Mon Jul 01, 2013 5:48 pm

    Dennis,

    As is my custom, I break things so you can see them with new eyes.  Hope you don't mind Smile

    Cherokee: To New Lands 

    He mustn’t die,
    not like Bowing Willow’s son, and
    Morning Dove’s son, and Chinna’s son,
    and twins of Palia and . . .

    Feather-of-the-Dawn rose quickly
    from the leaves, picked up her baby,
    stumbled on before the guard spoke. 

    The great river lay far behind 
    as they walked weary mile after mile
    toward “the territory” white man gave them.

    It would be a better place,
    have rivers with fish,
    have deer for hunters,
    and room for Walking Feather, 
    grandson of a Cherokee chief,
    to grow strong, to learn White ways.

    She must get him there.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trail of Tears. . . . obviously

    Post  Pat on Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:13 pm

    I like what Todd did with it.  He kept the essentials.  Note that the beginning and ending are powerful and goal oriented.  I'd probably go with repetition in stanza 1:  not like. . . , not like. . . . Last stanza:  are there rivers without fish?  I like the urgency of getting him there.  In passing of time, might want to use moons.  maybe "the" grandson" in next to last stanza.    I like the story.  Different angle.    Good job.  Pat

    dennis20
    Guest

    Carving to bone

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Jul 01, 2013 9:11 pm

    Yes, I see.  This would pare it down to bare bones to cut fat.  Looks good. Thanks

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