The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 20, 2013 9:04 pm

    This is a soft poem but may have some potential.  I struggled with the last stanza.  Any help will be appreciated.  Grandaughter, sophomore at university in Utah, will likely have an opinion or two... Dewell


    WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE



    Papa spoke

    like periods at the

    end of my obituary.



    Mama looked

    for things to fix

    my hair, ears, clothes.



    Big brother

    pushed me between

    the table and supper.



    Preacher breathed

    Hellfire words

    that guilted me forever.



    Teacher wrapped

    knuckles hard

    for dangling participles.



    It’s a wonder

    I survived at all

    to birth a kid like you.



    So, go do your homework

    on that free government

    Apple thing.



    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    Across the span of time

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Sep 27, 2013 9:12 am

    Dewell,   What I'm reading is a span of time that has holes in it, or rather isn't complete.  With the description of events, the writer must be a grand parent because of the actions taken by the characters.  By that, I mean, obit-- (and that picture has holes as well.  Do you mean the Papa died or what?) preacher--would have been long ago since we don't hear that type sermon anymore, teacher--long ago as well since they aren't allowed to invoke physical punishment   writer's child--thought is there but here is where I see a gap.  I don't believe the hard times and then the Apple "freebie" can be within the same generation. This cannot be spoken to the child.  It must be to a grandchild. There should be another picture to get to the grandchild.  Hope that helps.  Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Comments in the poem post below

    Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:40 pm

    WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE 

    Papa spoke
    like periods at the
    end of my obituary.  (apostrophe?  Dead persona?  I love this image.  Maybe it is the poem that wants to be written. Maybe this is the closing stanza to the poem you are wrting?)

    Mama looked
    for things to fix
    my hair, ears, clothes.

    Big brother
    pushed me between
    the table and supper.(Table and supper sound close to each other.  Is this a special meaning in the famliy unit of the persona?)

    Preacher breathed
    Hellfire words
    that guilted me forever.  (This is a memory that the persona carries from the past into the present.  Is this what the poem is trying to say?)

    Teacher wrapped
    knuckles hard
    for dangling participles. (Might be fun to model a dangling participle here)

    It’s a wonder (You are breaking the noun verb pattern here.  intentional?)
    I survived at all
    to birth a kid like you.

    So, go do your homework
    on that free government
    Apple thing. (I am having trouble connecting this to the title.  Are all the stanzas extentions of the title?  e.g.  Read the title into the stanza?)

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

    Post  Don C on Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:39 pm

    Dewell, you have a good poem that flows well.  However, as others have said, I have difficulty with the time span.  The last stanza is too modern for the first part of the poem.

    Also the stanza beginning with "Big Brother' may need the verb "pushed" on the same lineto be consistent.

    I like your last stanza because it shows the use of the modern technology and less use of the brain. The generational gap appears to be too large for a Father/Son relationship.  Good writing throughout the poem.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Your poem on When I Was Your Age. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:14 pm

    Dewell, what if you took off with something that just happened creating a literal level that is clear.  I like the humanness in your poem.  In my part of the world (with parent permission), the old ways are still alive, but it's probably not the norm.  I'd like more senses.  I love the image in first stanza.  I don't know that you need the last 2 stanzas. . . . maybe you haven't even written the last stanza yet.  Are you trying to make a point or be funny?  If so, I'd give that up.  We so often write past the good ending.   I do it all the time.  I think you have nibbles of the poem, something will come. . . let the string out.  : )  Think small.   Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    When I Was Your Age...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 04, 2013 1:34 pm

    Lots of good ideas.  Thanks, Guys.  Am rewriting to clarify persona and time sequence.  The local SENIOR CITIZEN NEWSPAPER readers will really enjoy this "looking over the shoulder at grandkids"... Many of them have "adopted" a student at Crater High School.  Dewell

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