WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

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WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 20, 2013 9:04 pm

This is a soft poem but may have some potential.  I struggled with the last stanza.  Any help will be appreciated.  Grandaughter, sophomore at university in Utah, will likely have an opinion or two... Dewell


WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE



Papa spoke

like periods at the

end of my obituary.



Mama looked

for things to fix

my hair, ears, clothes.



Big brother

pushed me between

the table and supper.



Preacher breathed

Hellfire words

that guilted me forever.



Teacher wrapped

knuckles hard

for dangling participles.



It’s a wonder

I survived at all

to birth a kid like you.



So, go do your homework

on that free government

Apple thing.



-Dewell H. Byrd

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Across the span of time

Post  dennis20 on Fri Sep 27, 2013 9:12 am

Dewell,   What I'm reading is a span of time that has holes in it, or rather isn't complete.  With the description of events, the writer must be a grand parent because of the actions taken by the characters.  By that, I mean, obit-- (and that picture has holes as well.  Do you mean the Papa died or what?) preacher--would have been long ago since we don't hear that type sermon anymore, teacher--long ago as well since they aren't allowed to invoke physical punishment   writer's child--thought is there but here is where I see a gap.  I don't believe the hard times and then the Apple "freebie" can be within the same generation. This cannot be spoken to the child.  It must be to a grandchild. There should be another picture to get to the grandchild.  Hope that helps.  Dennis

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Comments in the poem post below

Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:40 pm

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE 

Papa spoke
like periods at the
end of my obituary.  (apostrophe?  Dead persona?  I love this image.  Maybe it is the poem that wants to be written. Maybe this is the closing stanza to the poem you are wrting?)

Mama looked
for things to fix
my hair, ears, clothes.

Big brother
pushed me between
the table and supper.(Table and supper sound close to each other.  Is this a special meaning in the famliy unit of the persona?)

Preacher breathed
Hellfire words
that guilted me forever.  (This is a memory that the persona carries from the past into the present.  Is this what the poem is trying to say?)

Teacher wrapped
knuckles hard
for dangling participles. (Might be fun to model a dangling participle here)

It’s a wonder (You are breaking the noun verb pattern here.  intentional?)
I survived at all
to birth a kid like you.

So, go do your homework
on that free government
Apple thing. (I am having trouble connecting this to the title.  Are all the stanzas extentions of the title?  e.g.  Read the title into the stanza?)

-Dewell H. Byrd
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Re: WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

Post  Don C on Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:39 pm

Dewell, you have a good poem that flows well.  However, as others have said, I have difficulty with the time span.  The last stanza is too modern for the first part of the poem.

Also the stanza beginning with "Big Brother' may need the verb "pushed" on the same lineto be consistent.

I like your last stanza because it shows the use of the modern technology and less use of the brain. The generational gap appears to be too large for a Father/Son relationship.  Good writing throughout the poem.

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Your poem on When I Was Your Age. . . .

Post  Pat on Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:14 pm

Dewell, what if you took off with something that just happened creating a literal level that is clear.  I like the humanness in your poem.  In my part of the world (with parent permission), the old ways are still alive, but it's probably not the norm.  I'd like more senses.  I love the image in first stanza.  I don't know that you need the last 2 stanzas. . . . maybe you haven't even written the last stanza yet.  Are you trying to make a point or be funny?  If so, I'd give that up.  We so often write past the good ending.   I do it all the time.  I think you have nibbles of the poem, something will come. . . let the string out.  : )  Think small.   Pat

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When I Was Your Age...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 04, 2013 1:34 pm

Lots of good ideas.  Thanks, Guys.  Am rewriting to clarify persona and time sequence.  The local SENIOR CITIZEN NEWSPAPER readers will really enjoy this "looking over the shoulder at grandkids"... Many of them have "adopted" a student at Crater High School.  Dewell

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