The Last Friday

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    Do there need to be so many scenes?

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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Do there need to be so many scenes?

    Post  tsukany on Wed Nov 27, 2013 7:00 pm

    Peace of Mind

    There’s no accounting for it (Create mystery with the title and action...THERE and IS have no meaning yet)
    or the way it turns up in a chemo room
    in the form of a bright, lively nurse
    who sticks your port 
    and keeps returning to check on you
    even though every chair is filled.  (Can you let the poem be this scene...expanded?)

    How can you not let go of fear? (Why are you changing scenen here? and person?)
    You sip the coffee handed you (The YOU here is not the same as the first stanza)
    as you take in the moment 
    that honors the lost breast.
    You try to memorize the smile 
    of the one with the French accent seated (ONE refers back to breast?)
    beside you. Her being here proves
    that you were not abandoned,
    that peace of mind saved its brightness
    for you alone.

    Peace of mind is the bank account
    left by the former husband you never really understood, (I would rather think of one YOU rather than several pictures of "Peace")
    the one set on coming to his granddaughter’s birth 
    though his heart was congesting 
    and breaking.

    It finally comes to the farmer’s wife
    bereft of child, to a little girl
    whose drunk father sits in a dark corner. (These examples don't carry the same weight of reality as the first example)
    It comes to the puppy lying outstretched 
    in front of a heater,
    to a widower examining cirrus clouds.

    It even comes to rocky cliffs barren of trees,
    to fog gathering and lifting its skirts, 
    to the bent flowers weary of standing straight.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    PEACE OF MIND...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:30 pm

    Pat, there seems to be way too many sceenes, parts, to this poem.  Combined they cause the reader to wander... multiple poems confuse me... how about a clear chemo picture word-painted in that shot in the port picture... there's such power, drama in that scene...
    and I agree the "you" weanders... one personal and one preachy.  I would like more depth in that portal shot action... how does it feel, etc.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I hear you. . . .

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 10:18 pm

    stay with the peace of mind in the chemo room.  Thanks for the help  . . .  Pat

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Okay, I'm trying to narrow it to the chemo room

    Post  Pat on Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:24 am

    Peace of Mind

    No accounting for the way
    it turns up in a chemo room
    in the form of a bright, lively nurse
    who sticks my port
    and keeps returning to check on me,
    though every chair is filled.

    No accounting for the way
    I sip the coffee handed me
    as I take in the moment
    that honors the lost breast.

    No accounting for the way
    I try to memorize the laugh
    of the woman with the French accent
    seated beside me. Her being here
    proves that I am not abandoned,
    that peace of mind
    saved its brightness
    for me alone.


    Last edited by Pat on Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:44 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : because I've never hit the edit button before. . .)
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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Getting there

    Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:53 am

    Hey Pat

    It seems you added another player in the third stanza.  What if that became another poem.  I wonder if you can continue to describe the nurse of stanza one in a second stanza and end the poem with the persona's confession.  I bet you can still do this and not use "I" (just as an exercise...nothing wrong with first-person pronouns)

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Peace Of Mind

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Nov 29, 2013 1:21 pm

    I like the repeating of first lines... keeps me focused... That conclusion in the last four lines seems too weak for the rest of the poem.  Can you beaf it up some?  Repeat the title in some way at this conclusion point?  This poem is a nice tight piece and I think all three stanzas are needed.  Hope this helps.  Dewell

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