Obituary Delayed... need lots of help

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Obituary Delayed... need lots of help

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu May 29, 2014 10:38 am

It just doesn't seem to flow smoothly.  I'll welcome all suggestions. Would a few periods help?  As usual I'm trying to crowd too much into a simple, brief poem.  Dewell

Obituary Delayed

ten years in your grave
and I still love you

I only care to guard well
the memory of our love

Truth was the casualty in the war
you fought with yourself

Yet each day I carelessly paint
you in the blue of forgetting

The winter of our beginning
denied us summer and fall

Moss gift-wraps your spirit now
and everything smells of yesterday

Frozen cemetery stone
seasons marching by

and I still love you.

Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

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Seems like you have a case of . . .

Post  tsukany on Fri May 30, 2014 8:08 am

one too many images/metaphors.  I like the seasons part but it seems like I've known that.  I wonder if you might try cutting a couple lines and moving a stanza.  I marked them below.

Obituary Delayed

ten years in your grave
and I still love you  (cut . . . I think we know this intuitively)

I only care to guard well (war imagery . .  you "guard" by going to the grave site?)
the memory of our love

Truth was the casualty in the war (war is a metaphor to explore and I think this stanza might make a powerful ending)
you fought with yourself

Yet each day I carelessly paint (now painting)
you in the blue of forgetting

The winter of our beginning (now seasons)
denied us summer and fall

Moss gift-wraps your spirit now
and everything smells of yesterday (This stanza is some POWERFUL writing!)

Frozen cemetery stone
seasons marching by (blending of war and seasons here?

and I still love you.

Dewell H. Byrd
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Obituary Delayed

Post  Pat on Sat May 31, 2014 11:15 pm

Dewell, I'm trying to figure out a nice way to say what I want to say. Can't. So, here goes. . . just one person's opinion.
I do like the first line. The reader needs that line. I thought the content was scattered and rambling, but you said it needed work. That's what we are here for: to help each other. This is not like you to ramble so. You are usually focused. But where are you in the poem? In front of a gravestone? What relation? We do tend to ramble there, but would that be an obituary? Something may be delayed here, but I'm not sure what it is. Grief? If so, you can remember the smell of yesterday in grief. I wonder if this is someone you loved so much that you guard her/him to the point that you can't show us much? You show seasons, moss, sky. I'm pretty lost. Just guessing at everything. I know this can't be much help. I guess I'd probably write down what I know specifically about this person (maybe a list) and see if it's something I really wanted to share. I think we carry a few people so close to the heart and want to keep it private and sweet. Guarding and Not letting anyone really tamper with it. And we are critiquing so you know we are going to mess with what you share. As you can see, I'm a lost duck.


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