Last One In

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Last One In

Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:09 am

Within Sight of Glory

A water tower sticks up
out of the city center
like an Ozark lollipop.
A hundred birds loop

several times before  
they perch.  Up and down
so many days, now
they rest on their own poop.


--Sukany 28 Oct 2014
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Almost but not quite within sight

Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:58 am

Todd, Todd, Todd, As often as your poems are short, you let us down on this one. Leave off the last sentence and voila, your usual great poem. Not that I have anything against poop, but the picture was there, high, as you said, within sight of glory.  I can imagine the sky and given the season that birds circle, the sky and earth would be in fall array. (Conjecture on your part that they rest on it. It usually falls and makes a big mess for someone to clean up.)  Okay, now that I have ranted, it is good. I chose to see it as the title first struck me not where you led me.

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Within Sight. . . .

Post  Pat on Fri Oct 31, 2014 10:11 am

Todd, I am onto you:  your title is not being ignored. 
I bet I even know that water tower!  Or one like it.  : )  It is not to be ignored.  Up high, bird's eye view.
What has energy and is powerful for me is the metaphor:  Ozark lollipop.  Yep, it is a lollipop, and I've never thought of that image for it!  Great image.  From now on, all water towers like this one may become lollipops for me.  The birds:  I don't know that I even need them.  I like the rhyme though, and like so many of us, they make a mess and then sit in it! ( I've really seen this in roadside parks and in relationship!. )
Good job!

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(Almost) Within Sight of Glory

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 31, 2014 3:36 pm

The title and the end line just don't work together for me.  I'm reaching for an ending that celebrates their soaring, looping attempts then lets them rest for tomorrow's try for glory.  Otherwise the poem slaps me in the gut with unwanted realism, irony...  I think this poem would be honored by the reader who seeks brevity.  Yes, and they lose all their feathers annually, too... so what?  Lollipop image I love.  Paint it fruit colors.  I see these birds as pigeons on Dennis' barn roof....   Todd, if you wanted a rise out of us you got it.  Dewell

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