The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Last One In

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:09 am

    Within Sight of Glory

    A water tower sticks up
    out of the city center
    like an Ozark lollipop.
    A hundred birds loop

    several times before  
    they perch.  Up and down
    so many days, now
    they rest on their own poop.


    --Sukany 28 Oct 2014

    dennis20
    Guest

    Almost but not quite within sight

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:58 am

    Todd, Todd, Todd, As often as your poems are short, you let us down on this one. Leave off the last sentence and voila, your usual great poem. Not that I have anything against poop, but the picture was there, high, as you said, within sight of glory.  I can imagine the sky and given the season that birds circle, the sky and earth would be in fall array. (Conjecture on your part that they rest on it. It usually falls and makes a big mess for someone to clean up.)  Okay, now that I have ranted, it is good. I chose to see it as the title first struck me not where you led me.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Within Sight. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Oct 31, 2014 10:11 am

    Todd, I am onto you:  your title is not being ignored. 
    I bet I even know that water tower!  Or one like it.  : )  It is not to be ignored.  Up high, bird's eye view.
    What has energy and is powerful for me is the metaphor:  Ozark lollipop.  Yep, it is a lollipop, and I've never thought of that image for it!  Great image.  From now on, all water towers like this one may become lollipops for me.  The birds:  I don't know that I even need them.  I like the rhyme though, and like so many of us, they make a mess and then sit in it! ( I've really seen this in roadside parks and in relationship!. )
    Good job!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    (Almost) Within Sight of Glory

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 31, 2014 3:36 pm

    The title and the end line just don't work together for me.  I'm reaching for an ending that celebrates their soaring, looping attempts then lets them rest for tomorrow's try for glory.  Otherwise the poem slaps me in the gut with unwanted realism, irony...  I think this poem would be honored by the reader who seeks brevity.  Yes, and they lose all their feathers annually, too... so what?  Lollipop image I love.  Paint it fruit colors.  I see these birds as pigeons on Dennis' barn roof....   Todd, if you wanted a rise out of us you got it.  Dewell

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