CALLING DOWN THE GEESE

Having trouble with that transition couplet...  any and all suggestions appreciated.  Dewell



CALLING DOWN THE GEESE

I squealed with delight
jumped, pointed, yelled
asking her to call the geese
down to our pond.

I want to put my arms around
their necks, fly far, far away.

Patience Little One, she laughed
and tucked a feather in my hair.
They are following the evening sun,
following their glow road home.

Some birds come, some birds go.
All birds call to my heart.

I put mu arms around her neck,
wipe the sweat from her cheeks,
listen to her soft sighs, the rattle.
This is her time to call the geese down,
to follow her glow road home.

On some pond yet unknown to me
she glides across the pewter of the night
calling me down.

     -Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell

I really like this journey.  I lobby to cut stanza one, the couplet, and the last stanza.  I would then make the next to the last line of stanzas one and two, parallel.  "They are following . . . She is following."

Really good stuff.

I hear the little one with the concrete thinking;  then the wise old one.  I can picture it. 
I've never heard of Calling Down the geese before.  That's fascinating. 

So, if you did take out the little one with his innocence, you would be left with wisdom and the geese (or death angels?)  following their glow road home.   Worthy of repetition. 

I too have the hardest time sometimes not putting a bow on it at the end.   I think that was the last stanza.   Not needed.   

5th stanza:  Do you need "This is"?   I wonder about starting with "Her time. .  ." 

Life's journey. . . . and going home.  (symbolic and literal.)   Nice.

The rattle:  I took that as the death rattle. 

"glow road"  ---- good phrase.

FOLLOWING THE GLOW ROAD HOME
 
Calling down the geese
I want to put my arms around
Their necks, fly far, far away.
 
Patience Little One, she laughed
And tucked a feather in my hair.
They are following the evening sun,
Following their Glow Road home.
 
I put my arms around her neck,
Wipe the sweat from her cheeks,
Listen to the soft sighs, the rattle.
This is her time to call the geese down,
Following her Glow Road home.
 
     -Dewell H. Byrd
(And I still like the "STORY" aspect of the original
and will continue to mess with it... D.)

I like Todd's suggestion.  But ... "the pewter of the night".  I want to see that again in another poem.  It's too good to lose.

Did you realize you were putting arms around necks of geese and the woman's neck??  It didn't stand out to me until I read Todd's paring-down of your poem.   Nice.   And I also like pewter of the night.  : )