The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    CALLING DOWN THE GEESE

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    CALLING DOWN THE GEESE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Feb 27, 2015 11:07 am

    Having trouble with that transition couplet...  any and all suggestions appreciated.  Dewell



    CALLING DOWN THE GEESE

    I squealed with delight
    jumped, pointed, yelled
    asking her to call the geese
    down to our pond.

    I want to put my arms around
    their necks, fly far, far away.

    Patience Little One, she laughed
    and tucked a feather in my hair.
    They are following the evening sun,
    following their glow road home.

    Some birds come, some birds go.
    All birds call to my heart.

    I put mu arms around her neck,
    wipe the sweat from her cheeks,
    listen to her soft sighs, the rattle.
    This is her time to call the geese down,
    to follow her glow road home.

    On some pond yet unknown to me
    she glides across the pewter of the night
    calling me down.

         -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nice poem . . again

    Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 27, 2015 1:17 pm

    Dewell

    I really like this journey.  I lobby to cut stanza one, the couplet, and the last stanza.  I would then make the next to the last line of stanzas one and two, parallel.  "They are following . . . She is following."

    Really good stuff.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    The little one and the wise one

    Post  Pat on Fri Feb 27, 2015 10:23 pm

    I hear the little one with the concrete thinking;  then the wise old one.  I can picture it. 
    I've never heard of Calling Down the geese before.  That's fascinating. 

    So, if you did take out the little one with his innocence, you would be left with wisdom and the geese (or death angels?)  following their glow road home.   Worthy of repetition. 

    I too have the hardest time sometimes not putting a bow on it at the end.   I think that was the last stanza.   Not needed.   

    5th stanza:  Do you need "This is"?   I wonder about starting with "Her time. .  ." 

    Life's journey. . . . and going home.  (symbolic and literal.)   Nice.

    The rattle:  I took that as the death rattle. 

    "glow road"  ---- good phrase.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    From Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Sat Feb 28, 2015 12:20 pm

    FOLLOWING THE GLOW ROAD HOME
     
    Calling down the geese
    I want to put my arms around
    Their necks, fly far, far away.
     
    Patience Little One, she laughed
    And tucked a feather in my hair.
    They are following the evening sun,
    Following their Glow Road home.
     
    I put my arms around her neck,
    Wipe the sweat from her cheeks,
    Listen to the soft sighs, the rattle.
    This is her time to call the geese down,
    Following her Glow Road home.
     
         -Dewell H. Byrd
    (And I still like the "STORY" aspect of the original
    and will continue to mess with it... D.)
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: CALLING DOWN THE GEESE

    Post  Karen on Sat Feb 28, 2015 12:22 pm

    I like Todd's suggestion.  But ... "the pewter of the night".  I want to see that again in another poem.  It's too good to lose.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Question for you, Dewell

    Post  Pat on Sat Feb 28, 2015 3:00 pm

    Did you realize you were putting arms around necks of geese and the woman's neck??  It didn't stand out to me until I read Todd's paring-down of your poem.   Nice.   And I also like pewter of the night.  : )

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