The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.

    probably too wordy

    Dennis 20

    probably too wordy Empty probably too wordy

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Dec 19, 2015 6:06 pm

    I know this needs some carving.  I'm too close to do it without your help.  

    I Can’t Say Thank You Often Enough

    Home! Pull into the drive.
    Job has been rough today.
    I’m frazzled.
    Kids rush me calling, “Daddy,
    Daddy, Daddy.”  The five year old
    on the heels of the older two.
    As they grab my arms, the sun,
    sending the last orange plumes skyward
    as it plunges to flame out
    reminds me that I, too, am ready to flame out.
    But such excitement, such tugging, such exuberance
    of three voices asking three different questions
    at the same time relights my flame.  The warm glow
    of hope and love brightens my whole being.
    The question that fights against all the questions
    they ask is what in my quiver do I have to offer
    to the one who has given me such undo joy and
    is waiting at my front door for her kiss.

    Posts : 643
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    probably too wordy Empty Mis-titled

    Post  tsukany on Sun Dec 20, 2015 6:33 am


    I think the trouble is that the setup has hijacked what you want to say:  "Honey, thank you for being here."  

    (Looks like I HIJACKED you poem.  Gross Sukany.  That's terrible.  Apologies Dennis. My mind is still in school.  Forgive me.)

    If you titled it "After a Long Day at Work" you rid yourself of the first stanza.  Then you should be clear to describe the players--three children and wife.  Seems like the sun has entered to poem to add an image, but "after work" covers that. (The sun imagery is the best stuff in the poem)

    After a Long Day at Work

    Kids rush me calling, “Daddy,
    Daddy, Daddy.”  As they grab my arms, 
    the sun, last orange plumes heading skyward,
    reminds me that I, too, am ready to flame out.
    But such excitement, such tugging, such exuberance
    three different questions at the same time 
    and the question that fights against all 
    is what in my quiver/flame word? do I have to offer
    the one who is waiting for her kiss.
    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 88
    Location : Central Point, OR

    probably too wordy Empty Can't Say Thank You...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:35 pm

    Yes, that title does lead this reader astray...
    The poem wanders a bit and I have trouble finding and staying on track.  Dare I suggest it has
    Todd's rewrite is focused but too tight for me to relish the kid-tug scene.
    Love the sun-flame-glow image.
    Poem reminds me of many comings trying to put my briefcase down and switch gears.  Thanks, Friend.  Dewell

    Posts : 720
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    probably too wordy Empty Re: probably too wordy

    Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:54 pm

    I like Todd's rewrite and suggestion on new title. 
    But on Todd's rewrite/ your poem too, I'd go deeper:  not reminds me (because someone who is flaming out lives with it every second of every day.  No reminding needed.  It's always one link away, no matter what is happening.  How about confirms ???

    Stanza 2:  ....the question that fights for light ???
    flame word:  What in the blazes?????

    My sympathies to you on your loss of your friend, Dennis.  I know that kind of heartbreak, that kind of sadness.

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    probably too wordy Empty Re: probably too wordy

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