probably too wordy

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probably too wordy

Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Dec 19, 2015 6:06 pm

I know this needs some carving.  I'm too close to do it without your help.  

I Can’t Say Thank You Often Enough

Home! Pull into the drive.
Job has been rough today.
I’m frazzled.
 
Kids rush me calling, “Daddy,
Daddy, Daddy.”  The five year old
on the heels of the older two.
 
As they grab my arms, the sun,
sending the last orange plumes skyward
as it plunges to flame out
reminds me that I, too, am ready to flame out.
 
But such excitement, such tugging, such exuberance
of three voices asking three different questions
at the same time relights my flame.  The warm glow
of hope and love brightens my whole being.
 
The question that fights against all the questions
they ask is what in my quiver do I have to offer
to the one who has given me such undo joy and
is waiting at my front door for her kiss.

Dennis 20
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Mis-titled

Post  tsukany on Sun Dec 20, 2015 6:33 am

Dennis

I think the trouble is that the setup has hijacked what you want to say:  "Honey, thank you for being here."  

(Looks like I HIJACKED you poem.  Gross Sukany.  That's terrible.  Apologies Dennis. My mind is still in school.  Forgive me.)

If you titled it "After a Long Day at Work" you rid yourself of the first stanza.  Then you should be clear to describe the players--three children and wife.  Seems like the sun has entered to poem to add an image, but "after work" covers that. (The sun imagery is the best stuff in the poem)

After a Long Day at Work


Kids rush me calling, “Daddy,
Daddy, Daddy.”  As they grab my arms, 
the sun, last orange plumes heading skyward,
reminds me that I, too, am ready to flame out.
 
But such excitement, such tugging, such exuberance
three different questions at the same time 
and the question that fights against all 
is what in my quiver/flame word? do I have to offer
the one who is waiting for her kiss.
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Can't Say Thank You...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:35 pm

Yes, that title does lead this reader astray...
The poem wanders a bit and I have trouble finding and staying on track.  Dare I suggest it has
redundancy? 
Todd's rewrite is focused but too tight for me to relish the kid-tug scene.
Love the sun-flame-glow image.
Poem reminds me of many comings trying to put my briefcase down and switch gears.  Thanks, Friend.  Dewell

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Re: probably too wordy

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:54 pm

I like Todd's rewrite and suggestion on new title. 
But on Todd's rewrite/ your poem too, I'd go deeper:  not reminds me (because someone who is flaming out lives with it every second of every day.  No reminding needed.  It's always one link away, no matter what is happening.  How about confirms ???

Stanza 2:  ....the question that fights for light ???
flame word:  What in the blazes?????

My sympathies to you on your loss of your friend, Dennis.  I know that kind of heartbreak, that kind of sadness.

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Re: probably too wordy

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