The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Ditto to the gang

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    Ben Johnson
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    Ditto to the gang

    Post  Ben Johnson on Wed Nov 23, 2016 9:40 pm

    I still have to sign in under this name.  
    Is the poem worthy of the title and any other thougths? 

    Salesmanship
     
    I saw her on a busy street
    with bouquets of daffodils.
    The crayon sign said “one dollar.”
    Each bundle, wrapped in moistened
    paper towels, was held by thin green rubber bands.


    At her feet, tethered to a bus stop sign,
    a playful puppy wagged its tail
    at every passer-by.
     
    My flowerbed at home held prize winners
    from Michigan Bulb shipped to me
    by first class freight,
    but, I stood in line like other bus riders.
    Need I be more specific?

    Have a great day tomorrow

    Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Trip to Michigan

    Post  tsukany on Thu Nov 24, 2016 7:13 am

    Ben

    I was thrown by the trip to Michigan.  I wonder if you might have the persona think about the ones from Michigan, "clipped" from his front yard.

    Seems like a contest winner to me.

    Todd the Cutter
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    From Dennis:

    Post  tsukany on Thu Nov 24, 2016 6:55 pm

    Todd,  

    The mention of Michigan Bulb was because it is a nursery.  I didn't mean for it to look like the rider was coming from Michigan, but rather home from work and getting off at the bus stop encountered the situation.  

    This just goes to show how important it is for others to see our work and let us know everything we think is obvious is not to the reader.  

    Happy Thanksgiving!!!


    Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    The price is right.

    Post  Pat on Sat Nov 26, 2016 8:32 am

    I'd buy them too, no matter what I had at home.  Wow!  I'm just a sucker for flowers at good prices. Btw, I did not think about a trip to Michigan.  Just the bulbs, but then I am familiar with Michigan Bulbs.  The image of her is clear.  I stumbled on line 5.  Wonder if you need the word WAS.  Grammarians would say yes, poets might say no.  I like tethered. Great word. 

    Next to last line:  like or with?  I don't think you need the question at the end. 
    I followed the poem. Thanks for sharing.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Salesmanship

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:01 am

    Interesting... I saw the persona getting on the bus!  Puppies and flowers... can't go wrong there.  Maybe delete the line  "Need I be more specific?...  try putting the word Nursery in there to clarify... I like citing the source.
    I think this poem deserves a stronger title and ending.  "Don't kill Bambi!"  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Ditto to the gang

    Post  Karen on Sat Nov 26, 2016 2:49 pm

    I wasn't sidetracked by Michigan Bulb.

    I'm with Dewell on a stronger title and ending for this little jewel.

    Dewell.  Jewel.

    Y'all are leading me down the primrose path.  Or maybe I came from that direction.

    Good poem, Ben.  Den.

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