PORTRAITS (HELP)

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PORTRAITS (HELP)

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Mar 31, 2012 2:12 pm

A revised poem... not sure about puncuation... open to any suggestions... before I push it out the door for publishers to enjoy(?). Dewell

PORTRAITS

Daughter's Hands,

soft as thistledown,

ewe's milk to lamb---

sure and supple---

grasp the plate and cup

like puff balls at the fair:

cotton candy suds.

Dream: ribbons at the cotillion.



Mother's Hands,

hard as twisted pinecones,

palm lines toil engraved---

steady as the wheel mare---

grasp the plate and cup

like carding boards:

knots in the drying towel.

Duty: fog lifting off the lake.

-Dewell H. Byrd

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This is what I see, Dewell. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Mar 31, 2012 6:28 pm

Lots of parallelism. Very attractive.

Portraits of the hands of a mother and a daughter. First the daughter: not sure about the italics--- is that to make it obvious to the reader from the get-go? It worked in both stanzas. I'm not sure about capitalizing hands? I'd be inclined to put a , instead of the dash after supple. Same thing on second stanza. I had to stop and think about what goes with what. So, the hands grasp the plate. . . . I like cotton candy suds. . . not sure if I know what that is exactly. Suds. I think I just need to go to the fair again and keep my eyes OPEN wide. : ) Then Dream vs Duty paralleled. Yep, kids and parents. Dreams and Reality.

Like carding boards: I don't know what this is, but as long as you do. Two different worlds. Nice imagery/metaphors . I especially like knots in the drying towel. Creative. Pat

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portraits reply

Post  dennis20 on Sat Mar 31, 2012 9:18 pm

 

Dewell,  First, let me say, I'm glad Pat had commented. She helped me get a perspective.  I do see the nice imagery and comparison of mother to daughter--maturity to youth as it were.  Wouldn't capitalize hands. Lean more toward commas instead of hypens because they usually emphasize what has been said and I see the next lines as another description.  That may just be me.  But you were consistant in placing hyphens alike which is important. I don't quite grasp the duty as fog lifting off the lake but I can see the dream being ribbons.  Again, it is the youth versus maturity prospective.  Nice thoughts.  Dennis

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Busy Weekend

Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 02, 2012 6:54 am

Dewell,

I had a busy three days. Sorry it's taken me time to reply. With regards to your punctuation comment, I would try it without any at all. Lucille Clifton did it with wonderful success. Your lines are quite clear without it. Punctuation and line breaks are aids to help the reader process thoughts units and/or (for me anyway) signals for oral presentation.

In the first strophe I'd try a ballroom hint early on. That one jumped out without a context. I don't know what "like puff balls" modifies (hands or cups).

In the second strophe, I don't think mothers have the power to lift fog. Is her task impossible?
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