The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    ALMOST.....

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ALMOST.....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Jul 27, 2017 5:32 pm

    I am conflicted poem.  Don't know whatat tth

     DARN!!!  SITEWONT ' LET ME WORK IN IT!!!
    D.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ALMOST....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Jul 27, 2017 9:03 pm

           ALMOST

     

    I smile when I think of you

           So close

           Almost

    So very, very  close

     

    I sigh when I remember

           Almost

           That close

    Desire sweeps my dreams

     

    You reach for my hand

            Standing

            So near

    And I catch my breath

     

    I hunger for your love

             Looking

             Longing

    Searching, sharing, sighing

     

    Rings bind us apart

             So close

             Almost

    Echoes in my heart
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I's sure you intended it

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:29 am

    Dewell

    I was expecting ALMOST to appear in each stanza.  I am sure you intentionally did NOT do that.  Why?

    I like the play that ALMOST does in each stanza.  Because it can modify forward and backward, its meaning shifts.  I like that in a poem.

    "Rings that bind us apart"  WOW!  that is a killer clincher line for me.  Love it and envy that.


    ALMOST

    I smile when I think of you
           So close
           Almost
    So very, very  close

    I sigh when I remember
           Almost
           That close
    Desire sweeps my dreams

    You reach for my hand
            Standing
            So near
    And I catch my breath

    I hunger for your love
             Looking
             Longing
    Searching, sharing, sighing

    Rings bind us apart
             So close
             Almost
    Echoes in my heart

    Dennis 2012
    Guest

    Love is a burning thing

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Jul 28, 2017 2:21 pm

    Dewell,  Wow!  This poem has a powerful "ring" to it.  Years make these sorts of feelings possible. I think the last line seals it.  This poem also has symmetry which makes it appealing.  Good job.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: ALMOST.....

    Post  Karen on Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:31 pm

    I may still be under the influence of Todd's brevity, but try this cut.

    ALMOST

     

     I smile when I think of you

            So close

            Almost

     So very, very  close

      

    I sigh when I remember

            Almost

            That close

     Desire sweeps my dreams

      

    Rings bind us apart

              So close

              Almost

     Echoes in my heart

    And yes, rings bind us apart is the phrase that pays.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: ALMOST.....

    Post  Karen on Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:39 pm

    Well flitter.  I should have previewed.  My original post shows up dark font on dark background on my screen.

    Take 2:

    I may still be under the influence of Todd's brevity, but try this cut.

         ALMOST

    I smile when I think of you
         So close
         Almost
    So very, very close

    I sigh when I remember
         Almost
         That close
    Desire sweeps my dreams

    Rings bind us apart
          So close
          Almost
    Echoes in my heart

    And yes, rings bind us apart is the phrase that pays.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Almost

    Post  Pat on Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:47 pm

    Dewell, I'm sorry you are struggling with your computer.  Hand in there.

    Here what I have for you:  I vote for putting almost in each stanza because that's what's on your mind.  But because of that, I would look for a new title.  

    4th Stanza:  telling and not needed.

    My fav:  rings binding us apart line.   Those opposites, powerful.

    Great!

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    Re: ALMOST.....

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