The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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ENDANGERED

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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 367
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

ENDANGERED

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Apr 27, 2018 12:01 pm

A bit late.  Just got home.  With severe colds.  LOVE PAT'S NEW BOOK.
Help me find the rough spots.

ENDANGERED

The way was clear
Except for deer
Crossing

He could have swerved
Could have slowed
Could have stopped

He leaned forward
Jammed the gas
Chose the spotted one

Tiny hoofs danced
Slipped, slid on blacktop
Spots flew

Headlights shattered
He stopped at the Local
For a six-pack

Popped a Bud
Blew gravel
Hurried home

To his nest.

   -Dewell H. Byrd
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

Sharp images

Post  tsukany on Fri Apr 27, 2018 12:26 pm

Dewell

I like the poem.  I wonder if it is stronger without the first stanza.  The last line seems to tell what we already know as readers from previous intentions.  (nest didn't have a context for me)

Thanks again

Todd

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

endangered

Post  Pat on Sun Apr 29, 2018 6:22 am

It is great! 
Love the images of swerving and skidding.
I see it! 
Spots flew:  well said!
Shattered, popped, blew : strong verbs.
Get rid of last line. Redundant.
Skinny poem says a lot!

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