The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    May poem: Song Fest

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    kilee1231

    Posts : 4
    Join date : 2011-05-26

    May poem: Song Fest

    Post  kilee1231 on Thu May 26, 2011 7:35 pm

    Ms. Sparrow in the apple tree starts the choir with her solo
    the neighbor's chainsaw erupts to join in the chorus
    birds on the electric wire scatter like confetti on parade day;
    they don't care for the sour notes of the machine
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Todd's Thoughts

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 26, 2011 8:52 pm

    Nancy...what were you trying to do in this poem? I like how it reads. I just wanted a "larger choir" before the interruption of the chainsaw.


    Ms. Sparrow in the apple tree starts the choir with her solo
    the neighbor's chainsaw erupts to join in the chorus
    (Do you need "to join"? that seems implied)
    birds on the electric wire scatter like confetti on parade day;
    (Seems like the "birds" of this line are not part of the choir. I like parade day but it could be a specific date or parade too.)
    they don't care for the sour notes of the machine
    (what if you add musical lingo here: they don't care for the "harmony" "dissonance" "timbre")

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    Re: May poem: Song Fest

    Post  Guest on Fri May 27, 2011 1:11 pm

    Ms. Sparrow in the apple tree starts the choir with her solo
    the neighbor's chainsaw erupts to join in the chorus
    birds on the electric wire scatter like confetti on parade day;
    they don't care for the sour notes of the machine.

    I would like to get to know Ms. Sparrow better. Is the perch she sings from spared from the chainsaw? I had this uneasy feeling that the neighbor might be cutting down the very tree she has chosen for her solo. Were the birds on the wire singing their own song before they were scared off by the chainsaw? How do the notes of the chainsaw compare to the notes of a bird's song? If you have a choir what type singer would the chainsaw be linked to? With the mention of sour notes I definitely had the impression the chainsaw was offkey and out of tune with nature.

    I like the detail of "electric wire" and "chainsaw." The birds have adapted to the electric wire as a gathering place. But they cannot adapt to the chainsaw. The sparrow/solo combination on line one definitely has a musical quality. What is the musical quality of the chainsaw? How does it compare to the sparrow? What is the musical quality of the birds leaving the electrical wire? Can you hear their wingbeats? Do they call to one another as they fly off?


    Velvet F

    Posts : 12
    Join date : 2011-05-22

    Song Fest

    Post  Velvet F on Mon May 30, 2011 1:29 pm

    Ms. Sparrow in the apple tree starts the choir with her solo
    (we need more birds [or whaterver] to be a "chorus" before the chainsaw "joins the chorus." Mrs. Robin, Mr. Bluejay?)
    the neighbor's chainsaw erupts to join in the chorus
    birds on the electric wire scatter like confetti on parade day;
    (are these birds part of the chorus? We haven't heard from them)
    they don't care for the sour notes of the machine.
    (I like the sugggestion to use a musical term for "sour notes")

    I love the scattering like confetti!


    Velvet F

    Posts : 12
    Join date : 2011-05-22

    Song Fest

    Post  Velvet F on Mon May 30, 2011 9:43 pm

    Nancy - I had a thought about enlarging your choir. Maybe some neighborhood boys playing basketball and the thump thump of the ball could be the bass beat. Think about other neighborhood noises. I don't think you are limited to birds for the chorus, especially since you have a chainsaw!

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