The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I am trying a new approach to details in this poem.

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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I am trying a new approach to details in this poem.

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:43 am


    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    burritos personified

    Post  Pat on Sun Jul 01, 2012 11:05 pm

    I'm thinking fireworks, showdown, cowboy stubble. : ) Spinach and verde: green tortillas. Mexican revolution. Spanish. Music. I like the images here and cold sweat (oxymoron). Not sure scurries fits this happening. Wonder if there might be a stronger verb that has some muscle to it. Do you need the last two lines? I'm thinking it may need to end with nightgown. Last two lines seem limp after the two stanzas above. I like your approach. Pat

    dennis20
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    I am trying a new approach

    Post  dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:58 am

    I'm captured!  I don't think I was until the last line. I see this dream-nightmare pictured at 3 am with bicarb in hand at the sink.  I wish I had been able to grasp it before you told me it was a dream.  BTW (by the way) the thing missing is the beer.  Insert the word Corona somewhere and it would be complete.   Sorry I'm late.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I reread your poem.

    Post  Pat on Wed Jul 04, 2012 8:26 am

    Very descriptive. I can see those burritos ate you alive. : ) And so important a dream makes me smile today. And guess what? I was up last night with a heartburn! Pat
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    What about?

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:05 pm

    What about replacing "scurries" with "Coronas." I like the insertion of alcohol and I like to mess with nouns as verbs.

    as cold sweat
    Coronas to the pits
    of my nightgown (end poem with these lines...cut the last as Pat suggested)

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Yes, and Coronas are imported, aren't they,

    Post  Pat on Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:21 am

    from Mexico? I have limited knowledge about all that. But, I think it works! I like it as a verb. Playful too. Your voice all over the place. Good work. Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Todd's nightmare poem?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:22 pm

    I like the last two lines... they release me from the tension... Yea! Corona or Pacificia? (In Cancun they told me they make Corona for Gringos & Pacifica for the natives.) Even the colors of green, red, fire, etc add power/tension to this piece. Good work. Dewell

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