on redbirds crashing into the window

Do the NO caps, No punctuation work here?  New for me.


on redbirds crashing into the window

what can I say
about the redbirds
taking suicidal dives
into the dining room window

daily, they crash against glass

that’s not all   unmarked graves lay
beneath window panes
behind green ferns
   where birds seem set on
   instant death

wait
perhaps a few birds can not resist
the thrill of the chase
from feathers   beaks   dark eyes
bent on darting and zooming  

high risk

not enough zing in singing
not enough zag in marking time
where you watch a tree slowly 
fill up with humdrum birds
knowing nothing about 
crash speeds

one last thing
no trace of their flaming presence
   unless a witness tells it

Pat

I think the second stanza is the strongest so I moved it to the end.  Not sure about all the stanzas surviving a healthy chop/chop. 

on redbirds crashing into the window

what can I say
about the redbirds
taking suicidal dives
into the dining room window

daily, they crash against glass

perhaps a few birds can not resist
the thrill of the chase
from feathers   beaks   dark eyes
bent on darting and zooming  (add "red" to each stanza?)

high risk

not enough zing in singing
not enough zag in marking time  (I vote this line grabs the assonance of the previous zing/sing)
where you watch a tree slowly (Just need the birds not the reader/you)
fill up with humdrum birds  (Still redbirds?)
knowing nothing about
crash speeds

one last thing
no trace of their flaming presence (flaming is "red" for me)
   unless a witness tells it  (this stanza seems like another poem)

wait

that’s not all   unmarked graves lay
beneath window panes
behind green ferns
   where birds seem set on (perhaps cut these since they're already covered?)
   instant death

I love this.....having a critique group. Thank you. Yes, yes, yes.  I will get on it. 
My grands go home on Friday. 
I am thinking on your poem, Todd.    More to come.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS! I loved Sukany's idea to move that one stanza, and I loved how you reworked it. I could see this as a Pinterest/Etsy painting or wood artwork with a poem and picture of a bird flying fast. So vivid. Love it. I learn so much from both of you!