Autumn Apology

My title.  Does it fit? 
I reworked title and poem.  This is how it turned out.  
I usually try to avoid questions.  Not this time.
Any insights appreciated.


     Autumn Apology

 Mid-afternoon. 
I’m offering 
a clump of yellow flowers, 
visible and fragrant.
Is that enough to make up
for my big mouth?
Speechless. That’s me, now.
I flip newly picked chrysanthemums
upside down and give them
a little shake, trying to remove
any ants, any insects.
You deserve the best.
Will you let this little gift
speak for me?
If you will, maybe our eyes
can meet again.
I agree. I was in the wrong.
How else can we get past
this mountain?
I do not wish to subdue you
like a hoot owl with no pause.
Nor do I want to create
space between us.
As you look down on the bouquet,
perhaps you’ll find a way
to let go of my hard words
from this morning.
That’d be like spring to me.

I liked and understood the poem. The question didn’t bother me. It flowed well and fit. And I really liked how the poem started with autumn and mid-afternoon and ended with morning and spring. I wasn’t expecting to read that and really liked it.

Now this may not matter, but as the reader, I wasn’t entirely sure who “you” was. I was guessing a significant other (since the argument was this morning) or someone in Heaven (since you used the words “look down on.” I was wondering if that was from Heaven? I know a bit of a stretch, but my brain did go there.) or God (since you used “an offering” at the beginning of the poem.).

I giggled at the part where you shake the bouquet upside down. It was vivid and unexpected to me. I liked the detail.

This may be my ignorance, but I don’t know how a hoot owl subdues.

I also didn’t quite like “Nor do I want to create space between us.” I think because you had all of these images, and then this one didn’t really create an image. Does that make sense? I may just being picky, so feel free to disregard.

Oh, and I really liked the line, “Speechless. That’s me, now.” I feel that way often. I put my foot in my mouth, and then nothing I can say can fix it.

I already said this, but that last line is amazing. I loved it. I didn’t expect it, but it brought so much meaning.

Hope something in there is helpful. Thanks for sharing.

I forgot to say, yes, the title fits.

I will chew on your critique.  Some good help for my poem.
Yes, a significant other.  I need to clarify.  Offering may not be the best word.  Subdue.... hmmm. I looked up alternatives, but now I am aware that everyone does not have the owls we do.  They can overtalk anyone if they are near or far...opinion.
Much to think on.  I thank you.  I knew the poem needed new eyes from you too.  

I am in a Mennonite retreat right now, but I will get back to this.  Thank you! 
I needed your comment about creating space.  Right.

I value the comments.  Helpful, so helpful.

Pat

How many lines are directly apologies?  I lobby to trim them out.  You have already alerted the reader through the title that this poem is an apology that occurs in Autumn.

I like the flowers and not sure how we got to mountains and hoot owls.  (the space was created before the poem began.  seems odd to bring it up in the ending section)

Seems to me the poem wants to be about the separation of four eyes.  Can the flowers become a metaphor for healing (a bridge, "glasses" that improve vision) rather than simply an object/image in the poem?

Two cents:

Todd

I'll play with that idea.  
Much obliged.
Pat

PAt

The introduction of sadness . . . WOW!

I wonder if you can drop "If you can forgive . . . "  With "forgiveness"

forgiveness
would be like spring.

I get taken aback by the present tense of S2-S3.  It seems like this is what was done BEFORE the presentation of the offering.

WOW.  Love what's happening here

TS

     Autumn Apology



I flip newly-picked chrysanthemums
upside down and give them
a little shake, trying to remove
any ants, any insects, any hurt.

I want the flowers to become

glasses, helping your eyes

see how much I regret

my words from this morning.

 

I’m extending my hand 
with the clump of yellow flowers, 
visible and aromatic.
Is that enough to make up
for my big mouth?
Speechless. That’s me now.



Forgiveness,

that’d be like spring to me.

Pat

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Wonderful!

Todd

     Autumn Apology



I flip newly-picked chrysanthemums
upside down and give them
a little shake, trying to remove
any ants, any insects, any hurt.

Maybe the flowers can become

glasses, helping your eyes

see how much I regret

my words from this morning.

 

I’m handing you 
the clump of yellow flowers 
visible and aromatic.
Is that enough to make up
for my big mouth?
Speechless. That’s me now.



Forgiveness,

that’d be like spring to me.

I agree with Sukany! Wow! I absolutely love it too! <3

I feel    about this poem.... at last, at last!