The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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forgiveness, a choice

Pat
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12
  • Post n°1

forgiveness, a choice Empty forgiveness, a choice

Post  Pat Sat Nov 23, 2019 9:44 pm

I can't tell you how many times I have changed these stanzas.  I need all the help you can give. 
----------------- 


forgiveness, a choice

married 15 years.  
one shaky event 
broke vows between them,
fragmenting four lives
and drenching everyone
in riddles and fog.

drab years followed.

the woman’s ache became
a one-note whine
sung like cicadas.

her eyes had memorized
the stump slowly rotting
in the middle of the yard.

by the time she found words,
she understood he'd crafted darts
and she'd generated ice.

at last, she turned toward
the yellowing birch
and was stunned to see
how quick the tree was
to catch the light.


Last edited by Pat on Sat Nov 23, 2019 9:52 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : double spacing)
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tsukany
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21
  • Post n°2

forgiveness, a choice Empty Chop Chop

Post  tsukany Sun Nov 24, 2019 10:34 am

Pat

I am not a fan of the title in its current poem.

What about cutting the first two stanzas and keeping the title with THAT version?  (maybe check how you feel about a present tense version too)

Todd
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Pat
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12
  • Post n°3

forgiveness, a choice Empty forgiveness, a choice 2

Post  Pat Sun Nov 24, 2019 3:15 pm

Here's how that went:  
Todd, I thank you.  I think I like it without all those details in the first stanzas.  Renee?  What do you think?  Anything else? I'll look at your poems this p.m.  
Pat   


forgiveness, a choice

the woman’s ache becomes
a one-note whine
sung like cicadas.

her eyes memorize
the stump slowly rotting
in the middle of the yard.

by the time she finds words,
she understands he'd crafted darts
and she'd generated ice.

at last, she turns toward
the yellowing birch
and is stunned to see
how quickly the tree
catches the light.
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renee.barger
renee.barger
renee.barger


Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-09-17
  • Post n°4

forgiveness, a choice Empty Relatable

Post  renee.barger Sun Nov 24, 2019 3:38 pm

With the revision, I don't have any criticism. I like it. I think the poem is very relatable. I felt like I was the woman in the poem, needing to choose forgiveness. So, I think I like that you ended up getting rid of the details about the 15 years because the reader can place themselves in the poem. 

I have a general poetry question. How do poets decide when to lowercase their poems? It doesn't bother me in this poem, but I'm not sure the purpose.
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  • Post n°5

forgiveness, a choice Empty Re: forgiveness, a choice

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