The Last Friday

Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.
The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


2 posters
  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Anything goes

tsukany
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21
  • Post n°1

Anything goes Empty Anything goes

Post  tsukany Thu Feb 25, 2021 7:56 am

Idyllic Memories

I’m not in this painting and neither are you.  
We suffer the same though.  We look 

at the fields and their perfect rows.  We look 
past the field to the rounded tops of trees, 
each a blob of light and dark.  Our women 

and children wear bright colors, fruit of labor.  
We have shoes or no, depending on our beach.  
We are both surrounded 
by growing and unwielding shadows.

--T.A. Sukany 24 Feb 2021
  • Back to top
Pat
avatar
Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12
  • Post n°2

Anything goes Empty I like several things here---

Post  Pat Sat Feb 27, 2021 9:55 am

I like the stage you set in first verse.
All of the likenesses listed...good.
I paused at fruit of labor.  I wondered if you saw cotton fields. Cloth comes from cotton.
I like rounded/surrounded and "depending on our beach" --unique way, poetic way of saying 'on our location'
You have two verbs that are at the end of lines that I wonder about. I know we try to put nouns and verbs at end of lines, but to keep the punch you need of the next line, I think there are exceptions.  (I've been reading Rita Dove. ) Look at  line 2 and next to last line of poem.  I'd say "look at" and "surrounded by".  If you think this is a bad idea, I want you to teach me about it.

Overall, I love the poem.
  • Back to top
tsukany
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21
  • Post n°3

Anything goes Empty Repsonses

Post  tsukany Sun Feb 28, 2021 6:39 am

Pat

I am pleased that you went to "cotton fields."  That makes me very happy.

I chose to end on "look" and "surrounded" because I needed an extra pause there.  I know that I wanted the reader to feel "claustrophobic" before the last line.

I think your logic is sound.

Thank you again . . .

Hope you are feeling better and BACK to normal living

Todd
  • Back to top
Pat
avatar
Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12
  • Post n°4

Anything goes Empty Thank you...

Post  Pat Sun Feb 28, 2021 9:20 pm

Nothing normal here yet, but I have exercises, traction, heat, ice.  Happy I found a way to type. Improving greatly.  G daughter, gone back to parents. Smile  Precious girl.

I read it again. I need to write with the pause in mind. More to learn...
  • Back to top
Sponsored content

Sponsored content


  • Post n°5

Anything goes Empty Re: Anything goes

Post  Sponsored content

  • Back to top
  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic
Current date/time is Tue May 07, 2024 4:00 am