I have been working on this for 2 weeks.

Correctness according to the Bible is important to me.  Poetics, too, of course.  I know it is telling, but not like it was 2 weeks ago!  Help me, however you can.  I guess I want people who have the Holy Spirit inside them to know what they have inside them. 

The Short Version of the Box
 
Everything in Egypt reeked of frogs, but Moses had a hot line to
Jehovah. The man was God’s messenger. Israelites followed him 
and a dark cloud out of Egypt, crossed the Red Sea, then circled
around in a wilderness for forty years. God, tender mother and
protective father, bent on teaching His children coming out of
Egypt. So many big lessons to learn. Much law, much discipline.
Afterwards, a holy box was built to God’s specification. The box,
more than a teaching tool. Where the box—the Ark of the Covenant—
was carried, God went, and the Israelites followed. When camping
for the night, priests placed the holy box in a curtained room inside
the tabernacle. God lived with the Israelites. Once a year, the high
priest went beyond the veil and asked God to forgive the sins of
His people. God opened his arms. Through the ages, prophets
spoke God’s Word and called the people to repent. Still, many hearts
had no ears. Then—God turned silent.
 
Four hundred years passed. Trance-like, the Israelites begot other
Israelites and lived on. At last, a tide-turning moment: Jesus was
born, and two worlds became one via Mary. He was God, He was
Man. Religious leaders and Jews crucified the Son of God. In
three days, Jesus rose from the dead. A crossroad moment: disciples
came to the end of themselves. The Holy Spirit, legacy of Jesus,
stirred them. Shortly, the Spirit came to live inside those who
believed Jesus to be the Son of God, that He died for their sins, that
they might invite Jesus into their hearts and live with Him eternally.
God was no longer in a box! Believers became the holy box. That’s
an open-armed God for you, everywhere and whirling, walking and
talking, just like with Adam and Abraham.   

Pat

I think you skewed my reading with your note.  If the thesis of the poem is the box that becomes the believer, then cut away all the words that are not THAT.

I can cut a version and then we can compare the cuts.  I don't want to influence your cuts with my gross ones.

I like where we are this month. 

Guess you can tell that I'm in Acts.  LOL

Todd

The Short Version of the Box
 
Everything in Egypt reeked of frogs. Moses had carried out
God’s work. Israelites followed the man and a dark cloud.
They crossed the Red Sea, circled about in a wilderness.
The Ark of the Covenant was built. In essence, a box. Inside—
tablets, rod, manna. All, the finger of God. Once a year, the
high priest dared go beyond the veil and ask the Holy God for
forgiveness of sins for the people. Sins, atoned. God opened
His arms. Through the ages, prophets called out, “Repent!”
Hearts and ears stayed stubborn. Then—God turned silent.
 
Four hundred years passed. Trance-like, the Israelites begot
other Israelites. At last, a tide-turning moment: Jesus was
born, and two worlds became one via Mary. The baby was God
and Man. Religious leaders crucified the Son of God. Jesus rose
from the dead. A crossroad moment. The disciples came to the
end of themselves. The Holy Spirit, legacy of Jesus, stirred
within each one of them. That box, now inside them. The
disciples told and retold their stories. Thank you, God.  

Pat,

I think my version still needs more trimming.  I wanted to see how you approached the topic.  I think Acts 2 needs to enter the poem as well.

Todd

The Box
 
Everything in Egypt reeked of frogs,
but Moses had a hot line. Israelites
followed him, but circled in a wilderness
forty years. God, tender mother and
protective father, bent on teaching
so many big lessons.

Afterwards, a holy box was built
to God’s specification.
Where the Ark of the Covenant
was carried, God went.  Once a year,
the high priest saw the box and asked God
to forgive the sins of His people.
God opened his arms.
 
Four hundred years passed. At last,
a tide-turning moment: Jesus was born,
and two worlds became one inside Mary.
He was God. He was Man.

Later, in an upper room
The Holy Spirit, legacy of Jesus,
stirred them, came to live inside them
who believe Jesus to be the Son of God,
God is no longer in a box!
Believers become the holy box.
That’s an open-armed God.

Thank you!

Still mostly my words, but look how much more readable it is!  Short lines have it!  Prose poems may be harder to take it than Free Verse...for me.  I kept pushing myself to stay with Prose Poem, but, it may not stay that way!  Grateful!

Pat

I like the energy of the opening line (even if it is not best for this poem)

I REALLY like the "God opened his arms."  I tried to make it a refrain.

Sometime we have to let the poem tell us what it wants to be.  I am not sure about prose or no, but there are certainly plenty of lines with power to them.

Todd