Wednesday....

Droughted Days
 
It was in the evening we stumbled upon
twin fawns wearing spots
who ignored our truck.
They pranced side by side on toothpick legs
across the road toward their mother waiting.
It was that same evening we heard
a girl-child’s alarm
about her mom and dad’s hard coughing.
It was the night it rained
and the grass grew greener—
helping us believe
that there were full ponds
somewhere.

Pat

I know that poetry is not prose, but I think that "It was . . ." is not specific.  If you cut those words, does it change meter or content?  What if the poem starts with "We stumble . . ." Does the reader need "evening"?  "Stumble" hints at walking and yet the poem shifts to driving.

What about movement to present tense?

I love deer stories.    (and the ending of this poem)

Todd

No need for It was.... or past tense.  Thank you!  


Droughted Days
 
He turns the wheel right and we come upon
twin fawns wearing spots
who ignore our truck.
They prance side by side on toothpick legs
across the road
toward their mother waiting.
That same evening we hear
a girl-child’s alarm
about her mom and dad’s hard coughing.
That night it rains,
and the grass grows greener—
helping us believe in
full ponds
somewhere.

Pat,

I like to break poems so the author can see them afresh:

Droughted Days
 
That night we draw near twins,
fawns, prancing side by side 
on toothpick legs
toward their mother . . . waiting.

That same evening we hear
a granddaughter’s alarm
about her mom and dad’s 
hard, dry coughing.

That night it rains,
and the grass grows greener—
helping us irrigate our belief
in full ponds . . . somewhere.

Yes, makes it easy to see....
Thank you. 
A little more to think about...

He made this a lot better...

good help!  

Pat