The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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In My Feelings so I wrote more

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Sarah Anne98
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In My Feelings so I wrote more Empty In My Feelings so I wrote more

Post  Sarah Anne98 Sun Oct 30, 2022 10:14 am

[size=43]Velveteen Rabbit[/size]
[size=43]Sarah Anne[/size]
[size=43]And we're back to our regularly scheduled anxiety...[/size]
[size=43]Because I have questions but the truth may not be the answers I hold close to keep from collapsing.[/size]
[size=43]I want it all to go away.[/size]
[size=43]The stomach became a pit of despair[/size]
[size=43]aches with blood pulsating around the brain with information[/size]
[size=43]overload; bound for complete shutdown.[/size]
[size=43]Vomit and tears and deep sighed breaths trying to reclaim being human.[/size]
[size=43]I have loved so hard I'd made monsters human but I wonder if I ever loved enough to be real.[/size]
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

In My Feelings so I wrote more Empty Sarah Anne's without formatting issues

Post  tsukany Mon Oct 31, 2022 12:22 pm

Velveteen Rabbit
Sarah Anne
And we're back to our regularly scheduled anxiety...
Because I have questions but the truth may not be the answers I hold close to keep from collapsing.
I want it all to go away.
The stomach became a pit of despair
aches with blood pulsating around the brain with information
overload; bound for complete shutdown.
Vomit and tears and deep sighed breaths trying to reclaim being human.
I have loved so hard I'd made monsters human but I wonder if I ever loved enough to be real.
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

In My Feelings so I wrote more Empty Couple thoughts

Post  tsukany Mon Oct 31, 2022 12:31 pm

Sarah Anne

I like line 1 as the final line of the poem.  I think it changes the tone as a surprise rather than setting up the reader.

Second, I am not following the reason for the long lines.  Line 2 has a modifier that may be clearer with line breaks.

Yay for editing.

Todd

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