The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


2 posters

    Father and Daughter

    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1167
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Father and Daughter Empty Father and Daughter

    Post  Pat Fri Jan 27, 2023 8:26 am

    I am often editing this poem in January.  Feel free to help me.
    We have been without power for two days, but we are back on!  Came back yesterday. Grateful... 
     

           Father and Daughter
     
    After 14 winters, he is aware
    there is no handbook for parenting.
     
    Once he figures out her tune,
    she ricochets.
     
    Again and again, he must start over—
    wanting to be a good dad.
     
    On awakening, she cuts her hair.
    Then she alters her walk and her talk.
     
    Later, she seems to settle,
    sleeping the entire night.
     
    Her father reports he steps back
    and watches her loop and swoop.
     
    No waste of his time—she veers like
    a surreal snow.
     
    Endless,
    she and her story flow down a river,
     
    down a valley, around a bend
    like a poem.
     
    She is a hundred miles ahead,
    and high school has not yet begun.
     
    He will never catch up.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 927
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Father and Daughter Empty The story line is complete

    Post  tsukany Sat Jan 28, 2023 2:57 pm

    Pat

    The storyline is complete in this poem.  What I am missing is the thread (the conceit) that holds it together . . . the poetic language . . . a sense of mystery.

    Can you stick with one major metaphor and examine each couplet to insert a choice morsel?

    I like numbers spelled out (but that is TOTALLY preference).

    Todd
    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1167
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Father and Daughter Empty Music

    Post  Pat Sat Jan 28, 2023 4:33 pm

    I am going to try music...
    she is full of it....

    Thank you.

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    Father and Daughter Empty Re: Father and Daughter

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