Here's what I have. . . does the repetition overwhelm you? I like G. Stern's poetry.

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Here's what I have. . . does the repetition overwhelm you? I like G. Stern's poetry.

Post  Pat on Tue Nov 27, 2012 10:44 pm

Fog



Gone are the dazzling red-yellows

no leafy heads, no broken boughs

Gone is the cottage near where guests overnight

no fleeing fence, no sallow grass

Gone is the county blacktop leading to the pond

no round bales, no stubbled field

Gone is the strong-minded tool shed

no woody things, no toothy rake

no wheelbarrow, no potting soil

Gone are towering poles

no wires strung across the blue beyond

no doves resting atop necklace chains

Gone are the mountains up close and distant

no deer, no rabbits, no squirrels

Gone is the river weaving its way south

no jumping trout, no current, no shore

Gone is the neighbor’s humble house

no porch familiar, no warm cheer

Gone are moon and sun and sky

no explanation left behind

Gone are shadows and shine

no life to see—only white

November fog.





Pat Durmon, 2012

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Nice

Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:55 am

Pat...as a non-fan of repetition, I had no negative reaction to this poem's repetition.

What I would ask is an examination of the sounds occurring in each image. If you add sound to the images, I think it will read better and more like music.

For example, "Gone is the county blacktop leading to the pond / no round bales, no stubbled field" "Gone is the county trail leading to the pond / no round bales, no whiskered field” Here the “W” should lead into the next image’s “woody.”
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Pat's November White Fog

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Dec 02, 2012 8:08 pm

Pat... I like Todd's suggestion about sounds. The repetition doesn't especially bother me because after the third time I no longer read it. I just sense that it is there. For my taste I would do some stanza breaks and only the first line of each stanza would begin with "Gone are the..."... I really like this poem because I can "feel" the building up of the images.. feel the fog...

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Repetition overwhelms, hum...

Post  dennis20 on Wed Dec 05, 2012 10:27 pm

Pat,  I do feel it needs something and maybe Todd's sound could answer that. I really feel like there may be too much repetition.  I read through it and keep waiting for the shoe to drop.  I know something is coming and something makes me impatient for the ending.   What I keep feeling is that I rush back to the next line to find what I'm looking for and then the next line and the next.  Finally, right before exhaustion overtakes me the ending and relief.  Try working sound into it and see where that leads.  Good imagery.

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Re: Here's what I have. . . does the repetition overwhelm you? I like G. Stern's poetry.

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