The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Here's what I have. . . does the repetition overwhelm you? I like G. Stern's poetry.

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    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Here's what I have. . . does the repetition overwhelm you? I like G. Stern's poetry.

    Post  Pat on Tue Nov 27, 2012 10:44 pm

    Fog



    Gone are the dazzling red-yellows

    no leafy heads, no broken boughs

    Gone is the cottage near where guests overnight

    no fleeing fence, no sallow grass

    Gone is the county blacktop leading to the pond

    no round bales, no stubbled field

    Gone is the strong-minded tool shed

    no woody things, no toothy rake

    no wheelbarrow, no potting soil

    Gone are towering poles

    no wires strung across the blue beyond

    no doves resting atop necklace chains

    Gone are the mountains up close and distant

    no deer, no rabbits, no squirrels

    Gone is the river weaving its way south

    no jumping trout, no current, no shore

    Gone is the neighbor’s humble house

    no porch familiar, no warm cheer

    Gone are moon and sun and sky

    no explanation left behind

    Gone are shadows and shine

    no life to see—only white

    November fog.





    Pat Durmon, 2012
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nice

    Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:55 am

    Pat...as a non-fan of repetition, I had no negative reaction to this poem's repetition.

    What I would ask is an examination of the sounds occurring in each image. If you add sound to the images, I think it will read better and more like music.

    For example, "Gone is the county blacktop leading to the pond / no round bales, no stubbled field" "Gone is the county trail leading to the pond / no round bales, no whiskered field” Here the “W” should lead into the next image’s “woody.”

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat's November White Fog

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Dec 02, 2012 8:08 pm

    Pat... I like Todd's suggestion about sounds. The repetition doesn't especially bother me because after the third time I no longer read it. I just sense that it is there. For my taste I would do some stanza breaks and only the first line of each stanza would begin with "Gone are the..."... I really like this poem because I can "feel" the building up of the images.. feel the fog...

    Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    Repetition overwhelms, hum...

    Post  dennis20 on Wed Dec 05, 2012 10:27 pm

    Pat,  I do feel it needs something and maybe Todd's sound could answer that. I really feel like there may be too much repetition.  I read through it and keep waiting for the shoe to drop.  I know something is coming and something makes me impatient for the ending.   What I keep feeling is that I rush back to the next line to find what I'm looking for and then the next line and the next.  Finally, right before exhaustion overtakes me the ending and relief.  Try working sound into it and see where that leads.  Good imagery.

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