Waiting. . . worked hard on transitions for smoothness. Can you follow me on this?

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Waiting. . . worked hard on transitions for smoothness. Can you follow me on this?

Post  Pat on Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:08 am

Waiting



Small squeals sound the alarm

where my mother’s black chariot

rolls through the morning so bright.

She, a white swan on a blue lake,

heads down the hallway for shore

wanting to nap, head tucked.



For weeks, no, for months

in the nursing home,

Mother has spit fire. As for now,

she sits and waits in a dorm-like room

for a knight in shining armor.

Almost sees him, but

no matter how hard she fights,

how long she thinks,

she is blank

on his name.



Pat Durmon

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Hey Pat...good one

Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:57 am

I thought the movements were smooth. I just had trouble connecting the images/metaphors (swans, calm, fire, fight, knights). I would stick with one. I automatically think of "blue lakes." Is there something from the nursing home that might connect better than blue? (Unless the walls in the home are indeed blue)

I got a bit caught by the intro to the last stanza. The reader wants to have an experience rather than hear a description of the persona's, IMHO. I might find a stronger verb than "is" in the second to last line.
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Todd, you have reminded me to try this before. . . .

Post  Pat on Sun Jan 27, 2013 4:29 pm

and I still forget. Sad Here's the rewrite. It was fun to do. Now, I need to critique the other poems. : )

Waiting



Small squeals sound the alarm

where my mother’s black chariot

rolls through the morning so bright.

She, a white swan on a shallow lake,

swims down the hallway for shore—

wanting to nap, head tucked.



For weeks, no, for months

in the nursing home,

Mother has hissed, snorted, fluffed feathers

furiously protecting her nest.

As for now, she is silent,

holding her neck in a slight S-curve,

waiting

in a dorm-like room

for a large wild swan to appear

and rescue her from these waters.

Almost sees him, but

no matter how far she arches her wings,

how fast she swims,

she draws a blank

on his name.



Pat Durmon

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Pat...imagine

Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:09 pm

...me smiling from ear to ear. Smile
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Pat image here

Post  dennis20 on Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:15 pm

 

Pat,  on the second one--Looks good here is a line I would change. "as for now, she is... to something like this:   Now in silence, she (shifts, tucks, folds ) her neck in a slight ( that is a weak work ) S-curve     This would remove the word 'is'  You do have a lot good imagery here.

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Pat's Smooth Rewrite

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jan 30, 2013 1:57 pm

Yes! Very smooth rewrite. That word "squeal" trips me up. Is it past tense? Or did I miss that all together? I get this strange feeling of the call of a loon... somewhere in her silent, meloncholy mood, waiting. Poem is aptly titled... ends well... you could give her a glimmer of hope in that last line. But then I am a romantic... Dewell

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Re: Waiting. . . worked hard on transitions for smoothness. Can you follow me on this?

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