The Last Friday

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    Waiting. . . worked hard on transitions for smoothness. Can you follow me on this?

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    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Waiting. . . worked hard on transitions for smoothness. Can you follow me on this?

    Post  Pat on Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:08 am

    Waiting



    Small squeals sound the alarm

    where my mother’s black chariot

    rolls through the morning so bright.

    She, a white swan on a blue lake,

    heads down the hallway for shore

    wanting to nap, head tucked.



    For weeks, no, for months

    in the nursing home,

    Mother has spit fire. As for now,

    she sits and waits in a dorm-like room

    for a knight in shining armor.

    Almost sees him, but

    no matter how hard she fights,

    how long she thinks,

    she is blank

    on his name.



    Pat Durmon
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Hey Pat...good one

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:57 am

    I thought the movements were smooth. I just had trouble connecting the images/metaphors (swans, calm, fire, fight, knights). I would stick with one. I automatically think of "blue lakes." Is there something from the nursing home that might connect better than blue? (Unless the walls in the home are indeed blue)

    I got a bit caught by the intro to the last stanza. The reader wants to have an experience rather than hear a description of the persona's, IMHO. I might find a stronger verb than "is" in the second to last line.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Todd, you have reminded me to try this before. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Jan 27, 2013 4:29 pm

    and I still forget. Sad Here's the rewrite. It was fun to do. Now, I need to critique the other poems. : )

    Waiting



    Small squeals sound the alarm

    where my mother’s black chariot

    rolls through the morning so bright.

    She, a white swan on a shallow lake,

    swims down the hallway for shore—

    wanting to nap, head tucked.



    For weeks, no, for months

    in the nursing home,

    Mother has hissed, snorted, fluffed feathers

    furiously protecting her nest.

    As for now, she is silent,

    holding her neck in a slight S-curve,

    waiting

    in a dorm-like room

    for a large wild swan to appear

    and rescue her from these waters.

    Almost sees him, but

    no matter how far she arches her wings,

    how fast she swims,

    she draws a blank

    on his name.



    Pat Durmon
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat...imagine

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:09 pm

    ...me smiling from ear to ear. Smile

    dennis20
    Guest

    Pat image here

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:15 pm

     

    Pat,  on the second one--Looks good here is a line I would change. "as for now, she is... to something like this:   Now in silence, she (shifts, tucks, folds ) her neck in a slight ( that is a weak work ) S-curve     This would remove the word 'is'  You do have a lot good imagery here.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat's Smooth Rewrite

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jan 30, 2013 1:57 pm

    Yes! Very smooth rewrite. That word "squeal" trips me up. Is it past tense? Or did I miss that all together? I get this strange feeling of the call of a loon... somewhere in her silent, meloncholy mood, waiting. Poem is aptly titled... ends well... you could give her a glimmer of hope in that last line. But then I am a romantic... Dewell

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