The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Worm Feast

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    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Worm Feast

    Post  Don C on Wed Feb 05, 2014 1:07 pm

    Wormfest
     
                The robin was searching for worms in the ground
                Delightedly tugging each one that he found
                And thankful to see that a farmer at work
                Was digging a furrow and giving a jerk
                With something that smashed every mountain of sod.
                Then saying a blessing and thanking his god,
                The robin kept thinking and dancing with glee,
                That farmer is digging those worms out for me.

    Don C
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I like Wormfest as a title

    Post  tsukany on Thu Feb 06, 2014 7:15 am

    Don

    I like Wormfest over Worm Feast.  I think you start strong and then by the third line start adding syllables with articles and conjunctions (you didn't need them in the first couple lines).  It seems like ending a sentence at the first line of the rhyme is anti-climatic too (line 5).  "Giving a jerk" in line four feels like an action rather than a description (could be tugging but you would be doubling that and you've already doubled "digging").  Fun poem...just my initial responses.

    Todd

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Worm Feast

    Post  Don C on Thu Feb 06, 2014 10:15 am

    Thanks, Todd.  The title was originally Wormfest, but titles on your board require ten characters.  

    Thanks for your comments.  Will try on revision.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Wormfest gets my vote too.

    Post  Pat on Thu Feb 06, 2014 9:45 pm

    The poem is metered, right?  11 syllables per line?  I noticed that dropping an article would throw off your count/syllables.  In a cute poem like this one, I'd allow the articles.  Rhyme is important too.  It's light and airy.  My grandchildren would give it 5 stars.  they can get into the mind of a bird, rabbit, squirrel, dog.  : )   I slowed at giving a jerk too. . . . I'm thinking it's a hoe. . . . I tried slicing, chopping, I don't know.   I see the need for jerk or another word that rhymes.  Delightful.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Worming into the conversation

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Feb 07, 2014 11:04 am

    Don,  This probably wasn't explained to you, but if you notice we usually ask for some help or any thoughts or say something funny as our post title.  This way we are not caught in the dilemma that tugged or jerked you back from using the title you originally had.  I like the poem because I like rhymers and especially those with humor. This qualifies on both counts.  You also kept the meter. I think I would have left the word "out" out of the last line because it read smoother without it than with it for me.  It seemed to make me stumble a little and I went back to count thinking it had an extra foot.  I try not to have so many "ing" words, though.  I have heard pros and cons on that subject.   The picture was good. I might have looked for another couplet word instead of "jerk" because tough critics might question that movement.   Anyway, I liked it.  Dennis

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