The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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The Early Poster Gets the Worm

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tsukany

Posts : 585
Join date : 2011-05-21

The Early Poster Gets the Worm

Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 26, 2017 1:31 pm

Consider the title and the final couplet, please.  (Line three is e.e.cummingslike -- intentional)

Celebration of a Day Job: A Farce
(22 Oct 2017)

The rumbling of the kitchen floor 
was the first clue they were in the ‘hood.  
The tonsoftruck fumbling diesel exhaust 

contrasted the cotton-ball skyline.  
I saw them grab the handle, whirl 
the basket around, press a lever,

and chin-follow my trash up into the crusher.  
A jerk on the lever returned the basket
to earth as JuJu’s #19 jersey sprinted 

to the side of the truck.  Then,  
like all good employees, the driver 
ran to the back of the truck, 

snuck behind the basket, 
peeked around its side 
until JuJu found him.  

They high-fived each other 
from the end zone 
before assuming their respective positions.  

On my drive to work 
with red-blue lights 
of a black-and-white flashing 

in my rearview mirror . . . 
I highlight this story 
from earlier this morning.

--T. A. Sukany  26 Oct 2017


Last edited by tsukany on Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:58 am; edited 1 time in total

Karen

Posts : 282
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: The Early Poster Gets the Worm

Post  Karen on Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:41 am

Love:  ... tonsoftruck ... cotton-ball skyline ... chin-follow (!) ... JuJu's #19 jersey ... red-blue ... of a black-and-white ...

I would crop the title to Celebration of a Day Job.  

Gotta ask -- did you intend peaked or did you mean peeked?

I would leave everything else right where it is.  I love the subject.  All the ordinary events of this poem are elevated by the eye of the poet.  An accomplishment indeed.  

Thank you for this poem.
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tsukany

Posts : 585
Join date : 2011-05-21

Karen thanks

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:58 am

oops!  Karen, thanks for the keen eye.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-09-12

Celebration of the Day Job

Post  Pat on Sat Oct 28, 2017 1:42 pm

I agree with Karen.  Farce not needed.

You allowed us to see every movement.  Reported what you saw.  Basketball game where they win!  Love it.  

What would you lose if you eliminated the last two stanzas???   You change the subject to you going to work.  

....positions can make a nice closer.  

Strong verbs here.  And I don't own vocabulary for these big trucks workings but you do.  I followed easily.

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