The Early Poster Gets the Worm

Post new topic   Reply to topic

View previous topic View next topic Go down

The Early Poster Gets the Worm

Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 26, 2017 1:31 pm

Consider the title and the final couplet, please.  (Line three is e.e.cummingslike -- intentional)

Celebration of a Day Job: A Farce
(22 Oct 2017)

The rumbling of the kitchen floor 
was the first clue they were in the ‘hood.  
The tonsoftruck fumbling diesel exhaust 

contrasted the cotton-ball skyline.  
I saw them grab the handle, whirl 
the basket around, press a lever,

and chin-follow my trash up into the crusher.  
A jerk on the lever returned the basket
to earth as JuJu’s #19 jersey sprinted 

to the side of the truck.  Then,  
like all good employees, the driver 
ran to the back of the truck, 

snuck behind the basket, 
peeked around its side 
until JuJu found him.  

They high-fived each other 
from the end zone 
before assuming their respective positions.  

On my drive to work 
with red-blue lights 
of a black-and-white flashing 

in my rearview mirror . . . 
I highlight this story 
from earlier this morning.

--T. A. Sukany  26 Oct 2017


Last edited by tsukany on Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:58 am; edited 1 time in total
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Early Poster Gets the Worm

Post  Karen on Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:41 am

Love:  ... tonsoftruck ... cotton-ball skyline ... chin-follow (!) ... JuJu's #19 jersey ... red-blue ... of a black-and-white ...

I would crop the title to Celebration of a Day Job.  

Gotta ask -- did you intend peaked or did you mean peeked?

I would leave everything else right where it is.  I love the subject.  All the ordinary events of this poem are elevated by the eye of the poet.  An accomplishment indeed.  

Thank you for this poem.

Karen

Posts : 256
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Karen thanks

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:58 am

oops!  Karen, thanks for the keen eye.

Todd
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Celebration of the Day Job

Post  Pat on Sat Oct 28, 2017 1:42 pm

I agree with Karen.  Farce not needed.

You allowed us to see every movement.  Reported what you saw.  Basketball game where they win!  Love it.  

What would you lose if you eliminated the last two stanzas???   You change the subject to you going to work.  

....positions can make a nice closer.  

Strong verbs here.  And I don't own vocabulary for these big trucks workings but you do.  I followed easily.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Early Poster Gets the Worm

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

Post new topic   Reply to topic
 
Permissions in this forum:
You can reply to topics in this forum