The Last Friday

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    GARDEN GATE.....

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    GARDEN GATE.....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jul 23, 2014 11:14 am

    Title may be misleading and I need help with stanza breaks... AND, anything else you suggest.  Dewell


    Garden Gate

     
    hangs half open
    sagging
    scrapes a semicircle
    on the ground

     
    hinges creak
    in a turtle wind

     
    departed bathers
    empty beach

     
    sky darkens
    settles
    hugs the sea

     
    waves
    remembered by foam
    erase plover etchings

     
    sand dunes
    creep
    toward the gate

     
    claim
    their heritage

     
    ocean sculpts the land.

     
     Dewell H. Byrd

     

     

    dennis20
    Guest

    Half the poem is in the title

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Jul 29, 2014 7:31 pm

    Dewell,  Although you have some good pictures here it is hard to follow. I don't find the title related to the poem.  It could be about some kind of a gate, but it is a stretch for my picture of a garden gate. This may be a hint of some changes which makes it easier to follow.   That being said:

    (some kind of a gate)

    hangs half open, sags
    and scrapes a semicircle--
    a line in the sand.

    hinges creak
    as winds bluster,
    chasing bathers ashore.

    skies darken,
    heavy upon 
    the empty beach

    crashing waves
    erase plover etchings
    on rising tide

    the sea spits
    sand ashore
    resculpting 

    reclaiming
    its heritage
    beneath the gate.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Looks like a picture to me. . . .

    Post  Pat on Tue Jul 29, 2014 11:48 pm

    It could be a painting or reality: So there is a garden gate near the beach???? Is there a garden or is it a type of gate? I know the semicircle on the ground, the scraping, etc. I am thrown off by the word garden. Do you need it?
    I can see and hear the gate, the slow wind. I like all the alliteration in first stanza.
    Then the beach and sky: all well done. I like the present tense. Easy for me to follow.
    Last 2 stanzas: I'd say claiming or reclaiming (more present); I'd drop the last stanza. Not needed: sounds like a summary & it's telling.
    Overall: I like it. You took a moment in time by the beach and showed it to me. Nice.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I do love this group of poets

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:35 am

    Dewell

    I think your title is in need of focus that is aligned with the poem.

    Garden Gate

     hangs half open
    sagging (this implies old, perhaps disuse)
    scrapes a semicircle (this conflicts with the previous line)
    on the ground

    hinges creak (again seems to imply disuse)
    in a turtle wind (I love this image.  It's so fresh)

    departed bathers
    empty beach (Hard to tell if "empty" is adj/verb.  Verb makes for a redundancy)

    sky darkens (introduction of personification and thus moves from the title)
    settles
    hugs the sea  (another nice line)

     waves (more personification and thus another player in the poem)
    remembered by foam
    erase plover etchings

     sand dunes (same as above)
    creep
    toward the gate (return to the title . . . I like that.)

     claim
    their heritage

    ocean sculpts the land.  (You might need to title this "Sculptors" or something like that to complete the simile/comparison)

    Dewell H. Byrd

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