GARDEN GATE.....

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GARDEN GATE.....

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jul 23, 2014 11:14 am

Title may be misleading and I need help with stanza breaks... AND, anything else you suggest.  Dewell


Garden Gate

 
hangs half open
sagging
scrapes a semicircle
on the ground

 
hinges creak
in a turtle wind

 
departed bathers
empty beach

 
sky darkens
settles
hugs the sea

 
waves
remembered by foam
erase plover etchings

 
sand dunes
creep
toward the gate

 
claim
their heritage

 
ocean sculpts the land.

 
 Dewell H. Byrd

 

 

Dewell H. Byrd

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Half the poem is in the title

Post  dennis20 on Tue Jul 29, 2014 7:31 pm

Dewell,  Although you have some good pictures here it is hard to follow. I don't find the title related to the poem.  It could be about some kind of a gate, but it is a stretch for my picture of a garden gate. This may be a hint of some changes which makes it easier to follow.   That being said:

(some kind of a gate)

hangs half open, sags
and scrapes a semicircle--
a line in the sand.

hinges creak
as winds bluster,
chasing bathers ashore.

skies darken,
heavy upon 
the empty beach

crashing waves
erase plover etchings
on rising tide

the sea spits
sand ashore
resculpting 

reclaiming
its heritage
beneath the gate.

dennis20
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Looks like a picture to me. . . .

Post  Pat on Tue Jul 29, 2014 11:48 pm

It could be a painting or reality: So there is a garden gate near the beach???? Is there a garden or is it a type of gate? I know the semicircle on the ground, the scraping, etc. I am thrown off by the word garden. Do you need it?
I can see and hear the gate, the slow wind. I like all the alliteration in first stanza.
Then the beach and sky: all well done. I like the present tense. Easy for me to follow.
Last 2 stanzas: I'd say claiming or reclaiming (more present); I'd drop the last stanza. Not needed: sounds like a summary & it's telling.
Overall: I like it. You took a moment in time by the beach and showed it to me. Nice.

Pat

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I do love this group of poets

Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:35 am

Dewell

I think your title is in need of focus that is aligned with the poem.

Garden Gate

 hangs half open
sagging (this implies old, perhaps disuse)
scrapes a semicircle (this conflicts with the previous line)
on the ground

hinges creak (again seems to imply disuse)
in a turtle wind (I love this image.  It's so fresh)

departed bathers
empty beach (Hard to tell if "empty" is adj/verb.  Verb makes for a redundancy)

sky darkens (introduction of personification and thus moves from the title)
settles
hugs the sea  (another nice line)

 waves (more personification and thus another player in the poem)
remembered by foam
erase plover etchings

 sand dunes (same as above)
creep
toward the gate (return to the title . . . I like that.)

 claim
their heritage

ocean sculpts the land.  (You might need to title this "Sculptors" or something like that to complete the simile/comparison)

Dewell H. Byrd
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