The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Experimenting

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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Experimenting

    Post  tsukany on Thu Mar 30, 2017 5:38 pm

    Mating for Life

    I’m not sure I noticed such 
    brilliance, such cardinal, 

    in the bird bath until that 
    one time.  You pecked 

    sweet “weed seeds” 
    into the deep blackness 

    of my mask 
    until I dreamt only 

    of wild berries . . . luscious,
    large, dusty, melonous berries.

    --T.A. Sukany 24 Mar 2017
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    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Experimenting

    Post  Karen on Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:25 am

    The end snagged me.  It sent me back to the beginning more than once to mine the meaning.  I like the mystery, the strong visuals, of this poem.

    I would omit the quotation marks around weed seeds.  I would replace the ellipsis with a period after berries and begin a new sentence with luscious.

    I'm not sure put me off a bit as an opener.  I wanted a more declarative beginning: I never or I didn't.

    This poem makes me long for artistic talent.  I see a picture that my hand can't draw.

    dennis 2012
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    Dream Drame Dreampt

    Post  dennis 2012 on Fri Mar 31, 2017 8:10 pm

    Todd,  I like the almost things you say.  I wanted cardinal red or cardinal sin or something more solid, but you left it to my imagination.  And dreamt was great!  I love it.  However, 

    I question melonous berries.  They must be regional and we don't have any here. My dic.com hasn't tasted them either.  That is not to say I'm against making up words, 'cause I do it sometimes. It has a good sound here, but I didn't know what you intended for me to come up with.  I would suggest that you change dusty to something else since you lead with lucious, large.  How about lusty instead of dusty.  That would make my mouth water.  Good pics and you incorporated two senses into such a short poem.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Re:

    Post  renee.barger on Fri Mar 31, 2017 10:36 pm

    I *think* I got this poem, Sukany! (Although my question may prove I don't actually understand it.) Does "weed seeds" mean marijuana? A quick google search only came up with weed or marijuana. The quotes around the weed seeds made me think it had a different meaning, but I wasn't sure how to interpret it.

    I really enjoyed the use of cardinal as well. I read the word meaning both bright red and the actual bird. I also really liked the vivid words with berries. The ellipsis didn't bother me at all.

    I liked how much you communicated in such a short poem. The picture felt very complete to me, and I wasn't wishing for more. Well done in my opinion!

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Regarding ExperimentingA

    Post  Pat on Sat Apr 01, 2017 5:55 pm

    Todd, I like the couplets, the picture image, poetics, colors. I'm taking it literally at first.  The female bird which is duller has spotted a male brilliance, a male cardinal.  As I read it aloud, I'd like a syllable in front of cardinal if cardinal is being used as a noun.  Why is there a comma after cardinal? What if you dropped sweet?  Four rhyming words together make me think you wanted the reader to notice the rhyme rather than what you are saying. Flashy? Quote marks? Different meaning?? Throws me off.  How would it be if you said, sweet sunflower seeds?  But if it is mj you are talking about, then the mellowness might make sense.  And of course,the girl bird would be smitten by the wild berries, the drug.  Ellipsis:  I wonder if m-dash is what you are looking for here.  You were successful in making me read carefully.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Experimenting...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:22 pm

    After reading what others have said I'm not sure I read the same poem.  I took it as the "mate" helping the persona examine some dark spots of character and enjoy finding the sweeter aspects of life.  I guess we each see from our own  unique perspectives.  I enjoy the poetics of this piece and can relate personally to my version of meaning.  Let us see the rewrite..., Dewell

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