The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Lord God 101

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Markus

Posts : 10
Join date : 2018-02-22

Lord God 101

Post  Markus on Fri Feb 23, 2018 2:40 pm

Lord God 101
 
“Yet not one [sparrow] is forgotten by God.”
                                                Luke 12: 6
 
Let’s consider sparrows,
every one of which,
we’re told,
He knows.
 
How many sparrows have you seen today?
Three, maybe five, in the locust tree outside?
A couple pecking crumbs below the picnic table?
And now those flitting against the window?
 
That’s twelve or thirteen.
A chore to keep track of
if you’re inclined toward
the imps.
 
You’ll always be counting,
wondering if you missed number eight
or eleven
in the riot of the leaves, in the camouflage of shrubs,
or if you spotted them at all.
 
Just a small gang,
called trash birds by some,
to track
day in and out.
No rest.
 
And the whole world
watches,
depending on it.
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

NICE

Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 23, 2018 2:49 pm

Markus

I like the alliteration of "window ledge," in that line.  I wonder if Eight and Eleven can become proper nouns, adding to the numbering fun.

Welcome aboard!!

Todd

Ben Johnson
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Birds of a feather

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Feb 24, 2018 9:05 am

Markus,  Well done!  I read Dewell's poem of crows and now yours has sparrows. This may be a bird forum today.  I think the Bible reference sets the tone.  I think the poem could actually fly without the first stanza since you are telling me what you are going to do. I'm not sure about the next to last stanza, since it, too, seems to be telling instead of showing. I like the sound of "couple pecking crumbs" and the picture of "riot of leaves."  Welcome to the forum.

Dennis who has to sign in as Ben
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Karen

Posts : 310
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Lord God 101

Post  Karen on Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:06 am

Welcome, Markus!

I agree with not-really-Ben about the omission of the two stanzas.  The verse from Luke sets the stage very well to begin the poem with stanza two.  That being said, I would like to see the reference to trash birds and/or gang from the next-to-last stanza retained somewhere in the poem.

I like Todd's suggestion of making eight and eleven proper nouns.  I want to omit the of in keep track of.

A very good poem, and a fine entrance to the forum.

Again, welcome!

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Re: Lord God 101

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Feb 24, 2018 4:43 pm

WELCOME ABOARD, MARKUS!
A thought provoking poem... and those sparrows... imagine SPARROWS ON BARBED WIRE as a title for a poem about homeless...

Yeah, BENDEN is right about those two stanzas 'cause they tell like "preachy" sorta.
Omit them.
I especially like the riot of leaves and camouflage of shrubs.
Dewell

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