Reworked 2019 Easter Poem from Pat’s suggestions

Standing Against Anxiety

Arriving late on Easter Sunday,
     only front left seats are empty.
     There’s no way to hide. 

Thank God, it’s after handshaking time.
     I’m out of hand sanitizer. 
     I’m out of “everything’s fine” smiles.

Down the narrow side aisle,
     my husband gently leads me by the hand.
     Sunlight sets off the sparkly, stained glass windows.

We stand together to sing.
    He doesn’t let go of my anxious hand
          like the first time he reached for it
          during an intense movie scene.

During the sermon, 
     my husband covers my hand with his,
     the way he might over a candle-lit dinner.

After the altar call, I turn around－
     Grandma covers us from behind,
     Dad and Mom float down from the choir loft,
     then Mom wraps me up in a warm embrace, saying
     “You came...”

__________
Renee Barger 
December 2019

The title.   Is this what’s happening in the poem?

Sounds to me like you are grateful to those who cover you: God, husband, Grandma, Mom and Dad

If so, how about a new title? Maybe:  Gratitude to Those Who Cover Me

Love the closing.
Renee, I also like cover, over.  If you can work hover in, that'd be great too.  They are all loving you, taking care of you.  Beautiful poem.  I think you've got a winner!

I can't remember how I got the title. As I was posting, I was thinking, "Hmmm, I'm not crazy about the title" but didn't have any ideas atm.

I'll edit and see what I can do. Thank you for the input and help!

your title needs to prepare you for the poem or reflect the poem. Yours is about your anxiety, but look at how they are taking care of you.  I'd focus on that wonderful thing in the title.  We all want to be covered like that, no matter what we are dealing with.

Of course, lots of people do not follow Jo's suggestion, but many famous poets pretty much do. You'll find a title that fits.

Great poem.
Pat

That is such a HUGE topic.  It could go any direction.  How about Vulnerable? since you are not writing an essay with three points.  You are sharing one happening with vulnerability in it.  Clearly you are anxious and vulnerable.  And covered by others.  Nice.

3rd line from bottom:  a little awkward to my ears:  what about:  Mom and Dad come from the choir loft / to hover with us./ Mom....

Did you mean to have two overs?  Last line and first line of Stanzas 5 & 6.

Good poem , Renee. 

True, I wasn't thinking about the hugeness of that title. You're right. Too big!

I thought the "hover" line was awkward too, but I wanted it to work. lol. I REALLY LIKE your suggestion. Thank you!

I didn't realize I used two "overs" until I hit "send" but I don't mind it. is it ok?

Back to the title, I was trying to think a more honest title. What did I need to be vulnerable about? Does this title work, or is it now too telling? (Can you tell I really struggle with titles? haha.)

The aftermath of a panic attack


Arriving late on Easter Sunday,
only front left seats are empty.
There’s no way to hide. 


Thank God, it’s after handshaking time.
I’m out of hand sanitizer. 
I’m out of “everything’s fine” smiles.


Down the narrow side aisle,
my husband gently leads me by the hand.
Sunlight sets off the sparkly, stained glass windows.


We stand together to sing.
He doesn’t let go of my anxious hand
like the first time he reached for it
during an intense movie scene.


During the sermon, 
my husband covers my hand with his,
the way he might over a candle-lit dinner.


The service is over
commencing greetings 
and goodbyes concurrently.
Taking a deep breath, I turn around.
There’s Grandma
covering us from behind.
Mom and Dad come from the choir loft
to hover with us.
Mom wraps me up, saying
“You came...”


__________
Renee V. Barger 

February 1, 2020

over... just flagged it, but it does not take away from the poem.  

You have a fine poem here.  
I'd go with it.
We don't want to overwork it.  
Gosh, I need to say that to myself every day!

Renee

I like this version.  I am not crazy about any titles so far.  Perhaps my misinterpretation can help:

I don't need to be reminded it's your husband in S5.  You introduced him and then followed with a couple pronouns.

Here's where I think you can gain some traction toward a title.  I imagine all the spectators of the final stanza are viewing and encouraging you from the other side, from Glory.  The persona is returning to "church" after the passing of the last of these great cloud of witnesses.  They encourage me as reader.

"Sunlight sets off the sparkly, stained glass windows." could exchange adjective "sparkly" for the verb "sparkle."


Seems like S4 is telling, like you don't trust the reader.  Can you name the movie as a specific, concrete detail familiar to all?


Can the sermon be a specific verse that reflects the "theme/message" of the poem?  That could be a form of compression.

Just some thought so provoke a title.

Todd

Those are all good tips. Thank you, Sukany.

I changed stanza 5 to use "he."

I changed to use "sparkle" as a verb! (I am so happy about this change! I wanted to shorten that line, but for some reason, I didn't "see" it. Thank you so much!)

The first movie we watched was Braveheart! So I guess that fits!

I will think on a specific verse. My mind is still foggy this morning.

Renee

I get a bit chilled (in a great way) with the detail of Braveheart!!

Nice

Todd

Would appreciate feedback on three lines per stanzas and new title.
I couldn't think of a verse, but I'm sure there's something. I just didn't want to slap a verse with it in case I pulled something out of context.


Coverings                                                                                                                         
                                                                                  
Arriving late on Easter Sunday,
only front left seats are empty.
There’s no way to hide.                


Thank God, it’s after handshaking time.
I’m out of hand sanitizer. 
I’m out of “everything’s fine” smiles.


Down the narrow side aisle,
my husband gently leads me by the hand.
Sunlight sparkle sparkly, stained glass windows.


We stand together to sing.
He doesn’t let go
like when we watched Braveheart.


During the sermon, 
he covers my hand with his,
the way he might over a candle-lit dinner.


The service is over
commencing greetings 
and goodbyes concurrently.


Taking a deep breath, I turn around.
Grandma covers us from behind.
Mom and Dad come from the choir loft


to hover with us.
Mom wraps me up, saying
“You came...”


__________
Renee V. Barger 

February 3, 2020

Renee

I need you and Pat to revise MY poems.  Such wonder!  The ending still chills me.  Love it.

I like the title much more.

Todd

Aw, thank you so much! I'll go back to look at your poem again, but I don't remember anything bad about it! 

Thanks for all your help, both Pat and Todd. I'm really happy with this version, and I'm content with the title. I'm sharing it on my private personal blog.