The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Help appreciated. Whatever hits you.

    Share

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Help appreciated. Whatever hits you.

    Post  Pat on Fri Dec 27, 2013 1:22 pm

    After Dark in Fresh Snow


    Boys and girls laugh,
    gloves scoop, boots grind
    making a new music.


    Much strumming
    under a fat old moon.


    Then comes the throwing
    of stinging snowballs and words.


    No hearts shatter.
    No bones break.


    What stays strong still
    are the wing-beats drumming
    and dotting the sky.


    Last edited by Pat on Fri Dec 27, 2013 1:23 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : to correct stanzas and delete a line)
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nice Pat

    Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 27, 2013 1:36 pm

    No "I" in this offering.  Well done.

    I offer this:

    Make Stanza two the first
    (Maybe) drop the third line of the current first stanza
    Cut "still" from the last stanza
    Offer a "music" word for "dotting" or add "staff line" imagery to a stanza above.

    I like it

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat's Snowy Poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Dec 29, 2013 1:17 pm

    I would opp to reverse stanzas one and two.  And also to add a musical term in the last line.  This is a "shortie" poem compared to your previous offerings and it sits well for me.  I enjoy the crunch under boot and it carries on to the snowball making... or is that just my childhood memory?  Nicely done, Pat.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    And just so you guys know,

    Post  Pat on Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:30 pm

    it was not easy, keeping the I out of it.  : )  I think it all comes from counseling:  pushing people to focus on their feelings and naming them.  Not blaming others and owning responsibility.  So I have had to learn to show (not tell) and hard for me to keep the I silent.   You are helping me. .  .  and I thank you.  It has been a good year to learn with you.

    dennis20
    Guest

    in snow after dark

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Dec 31, 2013 11:47 am

    Pat,  I like the pic! I echo the "second stanza first" thought since the title sets up that pic. I would like to see a better word than fat to describe moon.  Maybe, hazy, lazy, even bright seems more descriptive than fat.  I agree also with dropping "still".  I note that you have used strumming and drumming which are musical terms and another musical term for the sky would be in order. I don't have any suggestions as to what would be a good sound word that would fit there, though. Wait! what about "dancing across the sky" since that is something we could associate with the music pic. You have done good with a "shortie" and no "I". Dennis  Happy New Year

    Sponsored content

    Re: Help appreciated. Whatever hits you.

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:33 pm