The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Giving an October River

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    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Giving an October River

    Post  Pat on Sat Aug 01, 2015 12:44 pm

    I cannot cut and paste, I cannot type.   I type it all the way through, and then hit delete.   Grrrr.  I am not doing so well.   So, forgive me:   I am putting my poem via email to you.   Then, later, I'll critique your poems. This Windows 10 is not happy with me.  
    Pat
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Giving an October River

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 01, 2015 5:40 pm

    I am hiding from Windows 10.  I grabbed it for you.

    Giving an October River
                                       for Mary Kathryn
     
    Put this river into your journal, your mind,
    your poem.  Take it with you when you get
    into your car, when you leave
    the beauty behind.
     
    Memorize the cabin, sky, river, mountains,
    dogs, flowers.  Take them with you.
    I mean it.  It is an amazing gift.  It can belong
    to you as well as to us.  The flowers already lean
    your way.  Just press in and take whatever
    you wish.  A radiating sun and glistening river
    are musts for you.  Anyone can see they bring
    refreshment to your deeper places.  Push aside
    the clutter inside like you might push furniture
    together, making room for what you need:  a river. 
    It pleases me to give it to you in this way.  Oh,
    none of this will make sense to your nephrologist,
    though water gives life.  But take time to talk
    to anyone along the river.  It makes perfect sense
    to every one of them.
     
    My sense is that if you can find
    a live river moving anytime,
    anywhere, whenever you need it—
    you’ll remember
    and your life can begin again. 
     
    Pat Durmon, Norfork, AR
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Giving an October River

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 01, 2015 5:56 pm

    I truly love what this poem says.  What it says to me is that we poets have a gift of poetry and we can give it as a comfort.  Like homemade cookies. Or a handmade box. Like any gift that reminds the recipient of the love and generosity of the person who took the time to craft the gift, then cared enough, or was brave enough, to give it.

    Jim Barton inspired me mightily when we had our Spring Poetry Celebration in Benton.  I took his poetry gifts as a challenge.  I have given poetry as an second tip to a waiter, as a going-away present to a Forest Service warden, as my own particular grace at the dinner table with friends. 

    I cannot imagine what the gift of poetry would mean to someone fighting illness to the death.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thank you, Karen!!

    Post  Pat on Sun Aug 02, 2015 10:20 am

    Keep hiding.   I just couldn't figure it out.  Appreciate you.   It's a job to type it in.  thank you for comments too.
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Giving an October River

    Post  Karen on Sun Aug 02, 2015 10:26 am

    You give me too much credit!  I copied and pasted.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Over the river and through... oh not that one is it?

    Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Aug 04, 2015 12:34 pm

    Pat,  Very nice.  I see two things I would point out. First, you drag the sun into this river poem as an interloper who gallops out and is of no use at all in the poem.  It is a river poem, stay with that.  Second, even if you leave the sun in the poem, change the two ing words, radiating and glistening.  They are more passive than active to my way of thinking. 

    Good poem that would be a great encourager to someone who needs a pick-me-up.  Our surroundings can bring a positive spirit that we often overlook in our lives or when we want to help someone else forget their troubles.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    From Left Field

    Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 08, 2015 7:14 am

    Hi Pat

    I am offering a hard revision.  I vote you change the point of view.  The second person comes off like "preachment," the voice of "I know . . . ."  What happens if I'm not in the mood for advice?  I skip over the poem.

    What happens if the first line of the poem is something like:  "We put this October river into a poem"  and then continue?

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Hard revision: appreciated. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Aug 10, 2015 10:42 am

    Thanks.   I am not attached to the point of view.  I just want a good poem.   Also, I forget that you can hit so hard. . . .  even when giving someone something.  It is advice giving.  

    Appreciate your help and support.  
    Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Giving An October Poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Aug 11, 2015 5:21 pm

    November is more going away than October... for me.  October is fulfillment and change.  Although this poem is "preachy" it tells a fine story and I love stories.  Dennis put his finger on some key elements with which I agree.  Yes!  Give this poem away!  It is a treasure.
    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thank you, Dewell. . . . ..

    Post  Pat on Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:33 pm

    I waited to hear your comments.  i'll be working on it this week sometime.   Thank you.  

    Pat

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