The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    EASTER WEEKEND

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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    EASTER WEEKEND

    Post  Karen on Fri Mar 25, 2016 4:52 pm

    In 2015, there was a lunar eclipse the Saturday before Easter.

    EASTER WEEKEND

    We killed Jesus all day Friday.
    Saturday, God took the moon.
    Punished our stupidity,
    eclipsed our nonchalance.

    We watched the blood moon disappear,
    our backs toward the rising sun.
    The rusty hangnail faded, dropped,
    fell beneath the curve of earth.

    A morning long with shame and blame.
    Who caused the death?
    Who struck the blows?
    Who stayed at home,
    did not protest?
    Who watched,
    then turned away?

    By noon, a storm of learned men
    was gathered in the marketplace.
    The sun winked out in sympathy.
    The clouds grew dark and low.

    We had all seen hail before,
    but not so hard and not so large.
    Denial over, we confessed,
    and begged to live another day.

    Easter morning, we awakened
    to a light and chilly rain.
    We stirred the fire and fed the children,
    took up life again.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Just thining

    Post  tsukany on Sat Mar 26, 2016 8:58 am

    Karen

    I got a bit lost by the following sections:

    A morning long with shame and blame.
    Who caused the death?
    Who struck the blows?
    Who stayed at home, 
    did not protest?
    Who watched, 
    then turned away?

    By noon, a storm of learned men
    was gathered in the marketplace.


    The shift seems to take the reader into another time zone.  It felt like the "we" of the beginning of the poem was going to continue to admit guilt but then a shift occurs.


    I would not be able to process the "moon" line without your note first.  What if the title of the poem is "lunar eclipse the Saturday before Easter"?


    Thanks for sharing

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    EASTER WEEKEND

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Mar 27, 2016 3:15 pm

    Karen... I like the title.  It has a universal feel to it.  And the last stanza is a splendid ending!  On line 8 you might consider beyond instead of beneath.  Stanza three is just too long for my taste.
    Consider fewer, longer lines.  In the poem where the learned gaggle there seems to be a change of persona or focus... makes me drift away.  Take another look at it.
    A very well thought out poem/subject.  Dewell

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Moon ia just another way to say...

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Mar 27, 2016 9:37 pm

    Karen, A great Easter poem with a lot of snapshots from so many places.  In fact, I think too many places for one poem. You prefaced it with eclipse, first, next God took the moon, next blood moon disappeared and poof, the moon was gone. (rusty hangnail faded---marvelous pic)

    But you went on with a ramble in the next stanza. Do these lines go with the title or with the preface?

     I am wanting to see something that has to do with Easter and "a storm of learned men --marketplace" great pic of Easter (finally)The word marketplace put me there.  But from there the poem angled off to weather until--wait for it-- EASTER MORNING!  then "stirred the fire and fed the children" was added which doesn't register with me.  Without the preface I don't think I would have been able to keep up with you. This is not to say that it is not a good poem. Being familiar with Easter, and the story of it, some of the words evoke flashes of biblical events. Maybe a little more unity in thought.  Either eclipse or Easter would help me stay focused.  This may have been one of those times when I was confused by the preface rather than helped by it.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    You are breaking down the weekend.

    Post  Pat on Sun Mar 27, 2016 9:57 pm

    I like that shift.  Days of the week and what happened.  I could follow.   If you do not change the title, you might use a footnote?  Helpful to have the scientific info.  Most do not know this piece of info. Like the way you used eclipsed in S 1, like hangnail for moon in S 2.   Rather than a series of questions, would you consider I wonder who watched the show and who would not go. Well, something like that.  I like the marketplace.  Is sympathy the right word?  I so like the last line.  This is in process.  I like the topic and what you are doing here.  Many of us would read the poem, but I was set for Sunday too (title set me up, I think.)   It is easy to read.  Man and nature, being alternated.  One complimented the other.
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: EASTER WEEKEND

    Post  Karen on Mon Mar 28, 2016 6:28 pm

    The real Easter Weekend has delayed my weighing in on the forum.   I begin to believe This Poem Can Be Saved!  I have been looking through work from last year to see what new perspective brings.

    The poem came from a long ramble in the woods on a wet, chilly Easter morning, thinking about the eclipse and blood moon that had occurred the day before, and how people might have reacted in a time when the movements of the earth, moon and sun were much more of a mystery.

    I know I want to keep the first two stanzas, and the last.  The challenge will be to progress from Good Friday to Easter morning.  The simple story I want to tell is this: we were responsible for the crucifixion (actively or passively), we interpreted the eclipse as a judgment from God, but calamity didn't descend, so we continued just as before.

    Thank you for your carefully considered suggestions and reactions.  I haven't determined where I will go with the poem, but I'm convinced now the trip is worthwhile.

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    Re: EASTER WEEKEND

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