Twas the last day of deer season...

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Twas the last day of deer season...

Post  Dennis2012 on Sat Dec 31, 2016 8:40 pm

Good Friends,  I have completed my annual 3 month deer hunting and have returned none the worse for wear.  (at least I think so)  Below is one of my deer stand scrawls.  I would like your imput on how best to arrange the lines of the best impact. Although it is a few hours early, let me wish you one and all, "Happy New Year!"


No Bungie
 
The moon drags darkness like a sailor drags a boat.
Stars are a filmy mist rising after a cold rain.
An ancient iron bridge lends a shoulder for sorrow.
Slow currents lace salty tears to reeds on shallows.
Your resounding “no” was the patter of feet
on indoor-outdoor carpet, soft, without echo.  
A splash in darkness weaves waves for a mute heart.

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Re: Twas the last day of deer season...

Post  Karen on Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 pm

The first line kills me.  Love it.

Everything else suits me with two exceptions.  The title sets me up as I need to be, but I don't like Bungie.  Indoor-outdoor carpet also smacks me back to the modern world.

The rest of the poem has a timeless mournful quality I love.  Would you consider substitutions for these two interlopers?
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Last Day Of Deer Season

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:41 pm

Mournful, indeed!  Rather like suicide by jumping off the bridge (or deer stand).
Very contemplative... a little minor key music, please.  I like that solid last line which may suggest a better title to the piece.  If you sit in that tree-stand all day unable to see another human being strange thoughts may weave...
Thanks for sharing... Dewell

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Dennis!

Post  tsukany on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:34 am

Dennis so pleased to see your name (though I like Ben just fine)

This is not a deer hunting poem, right?

I took the liberty of creating couplets to see what is in each line.

No Bungie
 
The moon drags darkness
like a sailor drags a boat.

A splash rows
waves over a mute heart.

An ancient iron bridge
lends a shoulder for sorrow.

Stars are a filmy mist
rising after a cold rain.

Your resounding “no”
was the patter of feet

on dappled carpet,
soft, without echo.
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Awesome

Post  renee.barger on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:04 pm

I loved so many things about this poem. The images were so vivid, and I agree with Dewell, I could almost hear minor music playing. I feel like I could keep rereading these lines and not get tired of it.

The only thing that felt "off" to me was "Your resounding “no” was." I wasn't expecting the switch in person or the different verb tense. Maybe that was done on purpose, but if so, I didn't understand why.

Other than that, two thumbs up!
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Just now seeing this poem.

Post  Pat on Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:45 am

I won't repeat what everyone else has said.  I like the couplets because it is easier to read.
Beautiful images.  What would you say to changing drags in line 2 to dragging?  Todd's rendition of it appeals to me.  Everything seems daydreamy.  I like that.  There is a little jerk in me though with the title and modern terms.  Enjoyed the imagery and pattering

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He swings thru the air with the greatest of ...

Post  Dennis2012 on Thu Jan 05, 2017 1:58 pm

Gang,   Thank you for so many good ideas for this poem.  I couldn't come up with a better title which I thought would get everyone to the scene as well as the word bungie since we often see those brave souls launching off bridges.  But I had more in mind for this "rejected" soul than a quick spring back. I wanted the picture to be there without actually saying he/she jumped. (well, it could have been someone of the female persuasion)  
I like the couplets, but it doesn't complete the picture for me.  Maybe, the iron bridge part isn't near enough to the end for me to picture what is comtemplated.  I love the dappled carpet.  I search my miserly can of adjectives and failed.  I was thinking more of being quiet thus making the picture more about the noise than the color. Good word. Thank you one and all.

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