The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Twas the last day of deer season...

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    Dennis2012

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    Twas the last day of deer season...

    Post  Dennis2012 on Sat Dec 31, 2016 8:40 pm

    Good Friends,  I have completed my annual 3 month deer hunting and have returned none the worse for wear.  (at least I think so)  Below is one of my deer stand scrawls.  I would like your imput on how best to arrange the lines of the best impact. Although it is a few hours early, let me wish you one and all, "Happy New Year!"


    No Bungie
     
    The moon drags darkness like a sailor drags a boat.
    Stars are a filmy mist rising after a cold rain.
    An ancient iron bridge lends a shoulder for sorrow.
    Slow currents lace salty tears to reeds on shallows.
    Your resounding “no” was the patter of feet
    on indoor-outdoor carpet, soft, without echo.  
    A splash in darkness weaves waves for a mute heart.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Twas the last day of deer season...

    Post  Karen on Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 pm

    The first line kills me.  Love it.

    Everything else suits me with two exceptions.  The title sets me up as I need to be, but I don't like Bungie.  Indoor-outdoor carpet also smacks me back to the modern world.

    The rest of the poem has a timeless mournful quality I love.  Would you consider substitutions for these two interlopers?

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Last Day Of Deer Season

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:41 pm

    Mournful, indeed!  Rather like suicide by jumping off the bridge (or deer stand).
    Very contemplative... a little minor key music, please.  I like that solid last line which may suggest a better title to the piece.  If you sit in that tree-stand all day unable to see another human being strange thoughts may weave...
    Thanks for sharing... Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dennis!

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:34 am

    Dennis so pleased to see your name (though I like Ben just fine)

    This is not a deer hunting poem, right?

    I took the liberty of creating couplets to see what is in each line.

    No Bungie
     
    The moon drags darkness
    like a sailor drags a boat.

    A splash rows
    waves over a mute heart.

    An ancient iron bridge
    lends a shoulder for sorrow.

    Stars are a filmy mist
    rising after a cold rain.

    Your resounding “no”
    was the patter of feet

    on dappled carpet,
    soft, without echo.
    avatar
    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Awesome

    Post  renee.barger on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:04 pm

    I loved so many things about this poem. The images were so vivid, and I agree with Dewell, I could almost hear minor music playing. I feel like I could keep rereading these lines and not get tired of it.

    The only thing that felt "off" to me was "Your resounding “no” was." I wasn't expecting the switch in person or the different verb tense. Maybe that was done on purpose, but if so, I didn't understand why.

    Other than that, two thumbs up!

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Just now seeing this poem.

    Post  Pat on Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:45 am

    I won't repeat what everyone else has said.  I like the couplets because it is easier to read.
    Beautiful images.  What would you say to changing drags in line 2 to dragging?  Todd's rendition of it appeals to me.  Everything seems daydreamy.  I like that.  There is a little jerk in me though with the title and modern terms.  Enjoyed the imagery and pattering

    Dennis2012

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    He swings thru the air with the greatest of ...

    Post  Dennis2012 on Thu Jan 05, 2017 1:58 pm

    Gang,   Thank you for so many good ideas for this poem.  I couldn't come up with a better title which I thought would get everyone to the scene as well as the word bungie since we often see those brave souls launching off bridges.  But I had more in mind for this "rejected" soul than a quick spring back. I wanted the picture to be there without actually saying he/she jumped. (well, it could have been someone of the female persuasion)  
    I like the couplets, but it doesn't complete the picture for me.  Maybe, the iron bridge part isn't near enough to the end for me to picture what is comtemplated.  I love the dappled carpet.  I search my miserly can of adjectives and failed.  I was thinking more of being quiet thus making the picture more about the noise than the color. Good word. Thank you one and all.

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