Working on the tone of this one. What help can you offer to it?

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Working on the tone of this one. What help can you offer to it?

Post  tsukany on Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:10 pm

Gloom

…rests under the surface
a leeching pool of bacteria
from a break in the crust
too many years ago to remember.

…ferments under the surface
a seething pot of details
dripping from this and that,
and mostly thats,
filling keg after keg after keg.

Gloom saps these legs of the fortitude
that would find the plug
free the dam
drain the swamp.

--Sukany 25 April 2012
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Re: Working on the tone of this one. What help can you offer to it?

Post  Dennis20 on Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:21 pm

 

 

Todd,  Two slight things I would offer.  Put 'spilling' after the comma after "thats" on that line and next line say "filling kegs."  Omit "gloom"  in last para.  I've read "gloom" each time I started a para.

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I'm going to speak to form first

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:02 am

because it's always what I see first. I thought it was going to be parallel in each verse, but you changed it on me, the reader, in the last verse. It threw me off. I actually like how you entered first 2 verses. Easy to follow. Why not continue what you started. . . . and telling what gloom is like? I'm thinking about verse 2: do you need under the surface repeated? why not say "there" instead. It hasn't moved. I like spilling too, but it may depend on how it happens: dripping first, then spilling. Dripping is slow; spilling is faster. is slower. When things spill, it runs quickly. Keg after keg after keg says there is a LOT of it and it's a part of a process. I'm good with that. Third stanza: I'd drop Gloom: it's in the title: continue . . . to introduce the stanza. Do you need the in front of fortitude or these? I like the ending. An afterthought: a colon might help after the first lines of stanza 1 and 2. Of course that's me making it easy on me to read. I still follow it. Your tone: I think it's in your verbs: rests, ferments, saps. All pretty lifeless like gloom or depression or darkness. It's all there. . . well-done. Pat

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Re: Working on the tone of this one. What help can you offer to it?

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