The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Feeling obligated to offer early:

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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Feeling obligated to offer early:

    Post  tsukany on Thu Nov 20, 2014 6:29 pm

    Looking for feedback about the ending of this shortie.




    Maverick

    In the days of black-and-white,
    a cigar man got off the street when
    the gunslinger moved his right hand
    and his mouth.  One told his grand-
    children stories at Christmas.

    --Sukany 07 Oct 2014
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    Karen

    Posts : 309
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Feeling obligated to offer early:

    Post  Karen on Sat Nov 22, 2014 8:19 pm

    I love the gotcha!

    dennis20
    Guest

    Smile when you say that, pardner

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 4:01 pm

    Todd,  It took a while to grasp the leap.Sometimes you jump too far.  I think it needs more to make the gap shorter. He might live to have grandchildren by getting off the street, but us feeble minded need help in making the connection. I may just be whinning and the others got it right off, but short can sometimes be too short.

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    What is a maverick?

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 24, 2014 11:53 am

    I thought I knew, but I never trust it when I wonder a bit.  A non-conformist, individualist.  Okay, so one lived.  The other one died.  That's how it went on black and white television.  I like how you dated it.  : )  I guess the gunslinger did not live.  I'm thinking the cigar man who got off the street lived to tell Christmas stories.  Did I make the leap?  Or did I miss?  Short but potent.  Syllables :   7 and 8 per line.  A picture of old cowboy movies.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat and Dennis

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:19 pm

    Does it matter to you if it's an allegory or parable?  I can't (and couldn't) decide if I need(ed) to include that detail.  I wanted to hear responses first.

    Thanks in advance

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I looked up both words.

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:40 pm

    Looks like it fits parable:  
    a short allegorical story designed to illustrate or teach some truth, religious principle or moral lesson.  A statement or comment that conveys a meaning indirectly by the use of comparison, analogy or the like.

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 24
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks Pat

    Post  Admin on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:50 pm

    Ok.  An allegory it is then.

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    But of course, of course!

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 24, 2014 1:52 pm

    Hilarious!  YOU are hilarious!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SINGING "STREETS OF LAREDO'"

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 29, 2014 11:26 am

    We have recently discovered ME cable channel with reruns of Gunsmoke, Rifleman, Bonanza, etc.  Kinda refreshing after an evening of local, regional and national news.
    I like this poem! It fits right in with ME TV because it contains whatever the reader wants to see in it without ten commercials.  In some small towns of modern "frontier" the cigar man would be seen as the maverick; eg, Josephine County, Oregon has one peace officer... elected sheriff and three judges.  Meanwhile, the poem.  I'm getting interested in brevity... more, please.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Short Shorts

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 30, 2014 8:26 am

    Dewell

    I have just finished a self-imposed seven-day, post-to-my-blog challenge.  I am not sure how long I will continue.  I posted six haiku and one skinny poem.  They are unedited (other than by my own sensibilities).  Maybe they are helpful?

    http://upstarespress.com

    Thanks 

    Todd

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