This happened over the weekend (neighbors)

My goal is to make it as  humorous as I can. It'll be  a contest poem.

   What Men Won’t Do to Be a Hero
 
The man tracks turkey, deer and bear,
but what does he know of following tree roots?
 
His wife said she’d jump into the dark hole
if need be. She wanted to flush her potty.
A lush and gaudy day—
perfect for septic tank diving.
 
Aussie trees are known for skinny limbs
like teenage boys for flexing muscles.
Most, stronger than they look, think nothing
can stop them. Phenomenal claws!
 
The roots slurp like babies under hidden earth
and tunnel as moles to the tank.
Her husband lays out a plan of attack
on the murky bowl. Look out, roots!
 
To be her hero, he must drop down into the hole
and remove gnarled roots probing.
“Let’s do it!” he said. Then he was lowered
and vanished. “Dang, rooty-toot-toot down here!”
 
He slashed roots with a machete
and pulled monstrous wads top-side.
Finally, the husband packed salt into wounds,
sealing them shut forever.
 
The giddy wife blew kisses and took photos.
Beaming, he grinned like a new groom!

Pat

It seems that the title and the first line are not introducing the poem.  The poem promises a struggle to find the roots by an incompetent, followed by a gaudy show of foolishness to impress a woman.

The details of the poem are about tree limbs, Aussie style.

The "wounds" are in the husband?  That seems confusing if the poem is about roots in a septic system.

I would like another chance at this one.

Todd

but it may make it less funny.  

(They paid the pro $350 to pump it out, then they did nothing....)  What???!!!! This guy believe is You-Tube.  Not sure if that's where he went for info or not this time. ) 

                  Pro Versus Owner
 
He picked the brains of the internet to find
aussie trees play tricks below ground.
His wife said she’d jump into the dark hole
and meant it! She wanted to flush her potty!
Professionals pumped out the septic tank
but would not get in the hole.
 
Green flimflammery above ground.
But these trees flex muscles in their roots.
Most, far stronger than they look, thinking
nothing can stop them. Phenomenal.  
 
Aussie roots slurp like babies under hidden earth
and tunnel as moles toward the tank.
Her husband began to plot, laying out
a plan of attack. Look out, roots!
 
Picture this: he must drop his entire body
into the deep hole. “Let’s do it!” he said.
Then he was lowered and vanished.
“Dang, rooty-toot-toot down here!”
 
With a machete, he slashed roots and pulled
monstrous wads top-side. At last, the husband
packed cattle salt, sending a strong message
to all roots: No Trespassing!
 
The giddy wife threw kisses and took photos.
Beaming and dirty, he grinned like a new groom!

jump in on this one.  I need help.  Esp to make it funny.  geeeeeezzzz, I'm not naturally funny. See anything I can do with the last rewrite????
Pat

Pro Versus Owner
 
He picked the brains of the internet to find
aussie trees play tricks below ground. (This is good and interesting start to the story)
.
His wife said she’d jump into the dark hole (This S introduces two new players and a conflict.  It is a large JUMP)
and meant it! She wanted to flush her potty!
Professionals pumped out the septic tank (This is a return to the title . . . good)
but would not get in the hole.
 
Green flimflammery above ground. (Now a return to the “roots” of S1 . . . in essence, another player in the poem)
But these trees flex muscles in their roots.
Most, far stronger than they look, thinking
nothing can stop them. Phenomenal.  (This S is telling.  Can you repeat the idea of line 1 with a description of the root system . . . like S1 describes the tricks underground [the aussies are gone and the title indicates “pros”  Are the roots the “pros” too?])
 
Aussie roots slurp like babies under hidden earth (Is this the second stanza?)
and tunnel as moles toward the tank.
Her husband began to plot, laying out (Now a return to the husband?  I thought he scoured the internet?)
a plan of attack. Look out, roots! (Seems like the rest of the poem is story telling from the POV of 3^rd person (omniscient as well))
 
Picture this: he must drop his entire body
into the deep hole. “Let’s do it!” he said.
Then he was lowered and vanished.
“Dang, rooty-toot-toot down here!”
 
With a machete, he slashed roots and pulled
monstrous wads top-side. At last, the husband
packed cattle salt, sending a strong message
to all roots: No Trespassing!
 
The giddy wife threw kisses and took photos.
Beaming and dirty, he grinned like a new groom! (I think that irony is funny.  This stanza/ending remains in the narration of events category)  (Rhyme is a way to make humor appear too.)

I'll be back on this tomorrow.  
Pat

going on. . . .  I have not abandoned this poem.  Just now getting back to it.  I'm okay... yellowjackets got the upper hand. 2 shots WERE required.  I will get back to you after I've worked on it.... more.  Thank you for all the input.  
Pat

                   War On Roots
 
The owner picked the brains of the internet
to find aussie trees play tricks underground.
 
Professionals had pumped the septic tank,
left a gaping hole, but would not jump in.
 
So, the water’s gone, and reality is exposed:
inarticulate, skinny, persisting roots thriving.
 
Stunned, the owner stares at an army of roots.
He knows he must drop down into the hole
 
for hand-to-root combat and whack
untamable roots running like nerves in a body.
 
No Cinderfella story ahead, he thought.
And where is the rope to grasp and hold?
 
So like every other maddening war.
But he hears his wife’s voice in his head,
 
“Honey, I want to flush my potty….”
How can he not jump into the hole?
 
Something in him shouts,
This is survival, greater than any horrid war!
 
“Roots, you are doomed!” he yells. Jumping in,
he knows his wife, topside, is beaming.

Pat

I think the metaphor of "war" is great.  Stick to it.

I think the humor will come from irony.  Set the war up and then bring in the irony of his wife's voice (as the last lines of the poem).  I think rhyme is humor.  Once you get the story tight, add rhyme.

Right now the poem ends with the rest of the story.  Humor will be to let the reader supply the "horror" of trench warfare with septic roots.

S3 is probably unnecessary if you add a bit more to S4.

Todd

Will do.  Great help.  Thank you.

Pat

                     War On Roots
 
Don picked the brains of the internet
since roots were costing money and upset.
 
Septic specialists back-hoe a gaping hole in sod,
pump the septic tank, but refuse to remove root wad.
 
Roots slurp like slobbering junkyard dogs,
wallow underground like razorback hogs.
 
Don stares at the battalion of tangled roots.
Pros depart, leaving him to become a recruit
 
to fight hand-to-root combat and bushwhack
untamable roots running like nerves down a back.
 
No Cinderfella story here to unfold.
And where is the escape rope to grasp and hold?
 
So like other hot, maddening wars.
He recalls how his sweet wife’s voice can soar—
 
“Oh, Honey, I want to flush our toilet bowl….”
How can he not jump into the gaping hole?
 
Next, the warrior in him roars,
This is survival—I can tackle this gore!
 
“Roots, you are dead!” he yells, stepping in,
vanishing while flashing a smirky grin.
 
He slayed the roots, tossed them topside,
emerged as a hero to his adoring bride.