The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Woman As Window Shade

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    Karen

    Posts : 309
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Woman As Window Shade

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 17, 2014 10:51 am

    Hello Poets,

    Thank you for posting the forum early, Todd.  My birthday is the last Friday of November, and I might plead for critical mercy if I posted then.  I'm off work today at the end of a long weekend.  Monday is not a jolly day for most of the world, but here I am regardless.

    I'm worried about the brevity of this poem.  Punctuation is bothering me in the last 4 lines.  As always, I welcome criticism.  If you tell me you loathe the poem, I know you mean that in the most constructive way.

    WOMAN AS WINDOW SHADE

    Lower your shade
    Carefully.
    Preserve your privacy.
    You must be safely shuttered,
    Tucked away, secure, unseen.
    Draw the shade
    Carefully
    To meet the sill,
    Lest it flap and clatter,
    Roll and snap and coil tightly overhead,
    Revealing everything.

    dennis20
    Guest

    I loathe this poem... does that make you feel better?

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:34 pm

    Karen,  We don't think like that!  We welcome all poems even if we don't always understand them.  Especially the ones Todd sends!!  With that said, why not change the title--"Behind the window" or "Woman behind the window."The first one would be generiac and fit anyone. The first one would not identify it as solely a woman, but the second one would.  This would help not over use shade as Todd pointed out.  You get the point about not over using a word when it's not necessary.  On the other hand, "draw the shade --  lower the shade" are part of what you would expect of a shade, therefore, necessary.  I think a comma after "snap" would show a list of pairs a little better and would solve the problem of punctuation.  Brevity is not a bad thing. Good poem with a good message to anyone, not just women.
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    Karen

    Posts : 309
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Woman As Window Shade

    Post  Karen on Sun Nov 23, 2014 4:12 pm

    Dennis, you're killin' me! I assume everyone has the same inner critic I have: Brilliant! Boring! Brilliant! Boring! Brilliant! Boring!

    An interesting point you make ... I have never tried to write from a generic point of view.  I've only done it accidentally.  More to consider!  It's hard for me to picture a man standing in my shoes in a poem.  I can barely imagine another woman doing so.  Still I keep throwing things out in the yard and to see if anybody or anything comes to feed. 

    I made a change in the title after Todd's suggestions, which I hope will help.  And I'm still duking it out with the commas in the last few lines.

    dennis20
    Guest

    It's a little bit me, a little bit you

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 4:52 pm

    Karen,  you are using the shade as a vehicle, great. I've experienced  the slap and roll, too. It has a greater depth about the inner person, you've found that, too. I feel the openness you allude to and could liken it to the rolled up window shade. (here is where I think--why couldn't I have written that.)  You don't know who will read it or how it will touch the reader.  True, it may be a real incident in your life, but whose to say it didn't have the same effect on someone else. This is where the reader thinks, Wow, how could she know!  I like it because the exposure is real and sudden.  Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Well, I'm struggling

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:12 pm

    to get my comments to the right place.  Karen, please read under Comments where Todd wrote.  My computer and I are not happy with each other right now.   Sorry if this puts you out.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SHADY WINDOW SHADE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 29, 2014 11:45 am

    My computer doesn't show Todd's critique!  I wonder why?  Karen, don't look to me for punctuation.  That's not my forte'.  I like this poem absent the last word!  Try reading it that way.  And I read it with a title of "anyone" which lets my mouth become the window shade.  "Sometimes what I want to be gets all mixed up with what others see."  I like the sudden violence of the shade going wild jumping out of a quiet image.  The repetition doesn't bother me although you could pare the poem down a little by using some generics but it is easy to read as is.  Well done.  Keep throwing it out there.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 30, 2014 7:13 am

    I accidentally started another thread on this poem.  Apologies sent.

    Todd

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