The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Pat

Posts : 730
Join date : 2011-09-12

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Post  Pat on Sun Oct 28, 2018 6:55 am

Sweet Morning

 

Whiteness moves cat-like
through the valley,
pausing here and there,

     perhaps listening
    to the river below
    or crows gossiping overhead.

Dogwood aflame,
a coyote sings in the distance.
Everything, in perfect order.

    Holy and right—
    I nod to the morning.
    My heart blooms.
Karen
Karen

Posts : 320
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

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Post  Karen on Sun Oct 28, 2018 12:23 pm

First, a Pat Brag.  This poet gave PRA members an engaging, interactive craft talk and critique session at our Fall Poetry Day, then topped THAT by winning the Sybil Nash Abrams Award. 

Thank you, and congratulations, Pat!

So about this poem.

This is a lovely autumn sketch.  I do want catlike rather than cat-like.  Would you consider bringing the action more decidedly to now by replacing pausing and listening with pauses and listens?

I wasn't quite ready for the poet's arrival in the last stanza, and blooms took me away from autumn.  A thought — cut the final stanza, and replace Everything, in perfect order with Everything, holy and right.

Thank you for inviting us into your morning.
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Pat

Posts : 730
Join date : 2011-09-12

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Post  Pat on Sun Oct 28, 2018 2:03 pm

and the suggestions.  Suggestions are good!
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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 385
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 88
Location : Central Point, OR

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Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Oct 28, 2018 4:01 pm

I prefer spirit instead of heart.
Coyote in the morning?  I think of them howling in evening or night... except maybe when they have pups in the spring...
Whiteness cuts a fine image for me... like that.
Indenting of stanza #2 is tricky but nice... that holds me to the poem.

This is a super poem in spite of my nit picking... Dewell
tsukany
tsukany

Posts : 646
Join date : 2011-05-21

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Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 29, 2018 10:42 am

Pat,

I think Karen hit it.  My snag was "moves" this is not a cat word.

Well done

Todd
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Pat

Posts : 730
Join date : 2011-09-12

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Post  Pat on Mon Oct 29, 2018 11:43 am

You helped me!  Here's what I now have:  

Sweet Morning
 
Whiteness slinks catlike
through the valley,
pauses here and there,
 
   listens
   to the river below
   or crows gossiping overhead.
 
Dogwood aflame,
a mole, asleep in a hole.
Everything, holy and right.
tsukany
tsukany

Posts : 646
Join date : 2011-05-21

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Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 29, 2018 12:01 pm

Pat

I like the revision much better.

I find the rhyme makes me go to verse rather than poetry.  (I always see "dogwoods" rather than the singular)

Todd
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Pat

Posts : 730
Join date : 2011-09-12

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Post  Pat on Mon Oct 29, 2018 12:51 pm

Small details. . . . thank you.  Easy to add an "s".  Helpful.

And oh, I did tell others in L R about our critique group and how helpful it is to my poetry.
I called it a way to get into "the arena."

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