The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is there too much story line for this to be poetry?

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    Dennis 20
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    Is there too much story line for this to be poetry?

    Post  Dennis 20 on Thu Jul 30, 2015 9:03 pm

    Joy at the Park

    With her feet at a skewed angle,
    her head tilted back, she pumped
    the swing higher and higher.
     
    As she went forward the wind
    carried her hair straight out
    behind her like long lines
    of geese in winter skies.
     
    At the apex of the arc,
    for a split-second of time,
    she stopped, the world stopped,
    and she could see to heaven.
     
    When she swung back
    her long auburn locks
    wrapped around her chin,
    into her open mouth, and
     
    hugged her squeezed-shut eyes
    so tight that they welled
    with tears.  It was the squeal
    and laughter that lifted
    her “papa” to the same heights.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Joy At The Park

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 31, 2015 1:02 pm

    Dennis I like how this poem jumps right into action... an activity universal in nature.  Been there, done that... and Grandpa pushing...  No, not too much story line for me.  Maybe delete line 9 because we understand that without being told.  Papa in last stanza jolted me.  I was so into child/swing/joy that I resented his presence.  Consider letting us know early on that he is present then his Joy At The Park may fit better.  Write On.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Is there too much story line for this to be poetry?

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 01, 2015 7:24 pm

    Not too much story line for me.  I liked the specificity of the detail.  "Long lines of geese in winter skies".  Good one.

    I am with Dewell.  Papa needs to come earlier or stay home.  I vote stay home.

    Is there a way to end with a squeal of laughter that lifts the reader to the heights?

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I came to the party late, so

    Post  Pat on Sun Aug 02, 2015 6:20 pm

    I think Karen and Dewell nailed it:   no Papa or Papa in the distance at a picnic table writing notes
    for his poem to be carefully crafted later.  

    An ee cummings poem stayed with me:   about a Balloon man. . . . he wheeled high and free!   I
    can't check it from here.   When children are swinging, they are high and free and loving every
    hair in their faces.   Might want to check that poem out.  It captures high and free.  I probably have
    not quoted it exactly.  

    Beautiful.  Papa's description:   very nice imagery. 

    Fun imagery.  

    Have you every read The Poet's Child?   Such a poem could go into that book.   : )
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Chop Chop

    Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 08, 2015 7:16 am

    Dennis

    I would try a version without the last two stanzas.

    Todd

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    As the Axe to the Cherry...

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Aug 08, 2015 2:08 pm

    To all,   I think I hear from all that I should have stopped before the last two stanzas.  I was intent on the event being shared with someone (me, grandpa, papa) that I felt compelled to stick me in there. I think this is what happens so often to us as poets. We are trained to be writers first, story tellers if you will, so we want to make sure we leave nothing up to the reader.  We tell the reader what to see, feel, think, know, and every other emotion imaginable. Thank you one and all. 
    One of my favorite movies is "My Cousin Vinny" and I like the part where he tells the judge, "I think I get it."  The judge replies, "No, you don't,"  and throws him in jail.  I'm afraid I (maybe we) are like that. We may get it for right now, but next time it happens all over again.  Because of that, I really appreciate you guys.  BTW, I only like the version of that movie with the G rating in case you are familiar with it.  The other version is TOO strong for my taste.

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