The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    MID-SUMMER

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    MID-SUMMER

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Aug 26, 2015 6:02 pm

    Does the last stanza fit in this poem?  Perhaps a bridge is needed between stanzas three and four.
    However, a mystery is created reading it as is.  Is it unusual for a tangential thought to impose itself upon a simple scene of nature?  What do you suggest?  Dewell

    MID-Summer

    Fireflies trace tight zigzags
    stirred by a snail breeze
    along the shoreline.

    A skein of Canada geese
    briefly shadows stars
    with Doppler honks

    rising, falling, fading.
    Bullfrogs drum wet thunder
    Over the shallow water.

    I smile, remembering something
    you said about the smell of fireflies
    on your fingertips.

       -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    playful thought

    Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 28, 2015 6:50 am

    Dewell

    Nice offering, again!

    I wonder if you can play with "skein" in each stanza by creating a "tapestry" of images.  

    I wasn't bothered by any jumps in logic.  The title seems to be an area you could strengthen though.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Mid Summer

    Post  Pat on Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:02 pm

    Dewell, I especially like the last stanza.  If you change skein, you might think about its shape, like the shape of Kentucky or the shape of an arrow.  Are you asking if you need transitional bridges?  If so, I think what you have works.  I don't much like the title.  How about, "Standing Under a Mid-Summer Sky" or "Aware Under a Mid-Summer Sky"  You could throw in 2 more images and not bore me.  I like these. Stanza 3, line 3:  I'd drop the.  Overall, I like it.
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    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: MID-SUMMER

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 29, 2015 8:02 pm

    The title must go.  It's not fair of me to jump on the bandwagon without suggesting an alternate, but here I am, empty-handed.  The title seems to need a specific image, or a comment.

    I like the little jump at the last stanza.  I love the reference to the smell of fireflies.  Anyone who has collected them in a jar knows that smell vividly.

    I agree with Pat on cutting "the" in stanza 3, line 3.  Other than that, and a worthy title, I think it's just right as it is.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Fireflies and frenchfries

    Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:11 pm

    Dewell,  I think it blends together nicely.  It is what I expect from the title.  Years ago I would not have expected geese in mid-summer, but now they stay here year round.  The last lines nail the first lines beautifully. I could live without shoreline since it wasn't something in my summer, but all the rest resonance for summer. Good picture here.

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